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Pence Praying 6-7 Times a Day for Trump to Contract Coronavirus  

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“If I have to, I’ll give it to him myself” Pence whispered to God on Tuesday morning during prayer group.  The Vice President and appointed ‘Coronavirus Czar‘, may not believe in actual science, but he certainly knows how to listen to the voice in his head.

“God has plan,” Pence allegedly told staffers Tuesday, “and I now believe I know what God wants me to do, and it’s make sure President Trump gets the coronavirus, and that may convince him we have a real problem.”

Vice President Pence’s pastor Reverend Lovejoy, commented, “when God created the earth 6 thousand years ago, and people lived with dinosaurs, God decided to keep the humans and get rid of the dinosaurs, and that was a big decision.”  He continued, “sending us Mr. Trump and now coronavirus, together, can only mean one thing…”  when pressed for further questioning Rev Lovejoy simply responded, “I think I’ve said enough, it’s in God’s hands now.”

“I may not know how viruses work exactly,” admitted Pence, “but I know what God is telling me to do, and so I am going to keep on meeting with coronavirus patients, and then coughing into President Trump’s Big Macs until, God willing, Trump gets the virus and God’s plan is achieved.” He ended with, “Praise Jesus!”

President Trump is in the most vulnerable demographic for coronavirus.  He is over the age of 70, obese, and his skin is the color of thousand island dressing.  So if he contracts the virus, there is a decent chance it will develop into Pneumonia and kill him.  Which would make him only the 2nd President in history to die in office of pneumonia (after Harrison in 1841).

* It’s in God’s hands now, and, this article is satire.  We made up all the quotes, and characters, except for the parts about our Vice-President not believing in science and being put in charge of a viral pandemic.  For information on what to do if you are sick please visit the CDC website here.

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

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