New YorkSan FranciscoSatire/Humor/Comedy

Man Furious to Find Other People Enjoying Park During Quarantine

Updated: Apr 20, 2020 11:22
The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news
Kenneth Buttress: concerned citizen

Despite the government’s shelter in place order, directing citizens to stay at home unless they need to “PROVIDE OR RECEIVE CERTAIN ESSENTIAL SERVICES”.  People still seem to be taking walks in parks periodically, and still seem to be walking their dogs and exercise outside their homes.

Local man Kenneth Buttress was very upset on Saturday when he found many of his fellow citizens defying the government’s orders, and going to his local park, while clearly performing ‘unessential’ things.

“See that man there?  He’s got a hackysack for crying out loud, I mean how ‘essential’ is a goddamn hackysack?”  Kenneth made very distinct air quotes with his fingers when he said ‘essential’.

“I mean, I didn’t come to the park to get infected with coronavirus!  I came here because I assumed my fellow citizens would follow the rules and stay out of my park.”  Kenneth said, visibly disappointed.  He continued to walk with us around the bike path and point out different people he thought should not be in the park.

“That guy, that guy, that lady, that dog for sure,” Kenneth said as he pointed at different individuals in the park.  “They all shouldn’t be here.”

Kenneth then showed us what he called his ‘bitchin park set-up’.  Kenneth said he was all ‘geared-up’ for a sweet party of one, until he realized other people were going to ruin it.

Kenneth’s ‘party of one’ BBQ setup in his local park.

Last weekend Kenneth and his family went up to Marin to visit Tomales Bay, and “there were other people there!” Kenneth said, “dozens of them, gawking around, and NOT at home where they should be, I could barley sunbathe without seeing other people!”

Kenneth proudly admitted to alerting local authorities and getting the entire county to shut down all outdoor spaces.  “People just have no respect for the law,” Kenneth said.  “It’s that simple.”

*This article is satire, I’m tired of the news, so I created some idiotic premises to hopefully make you laugh while you’re stuck at home.  Be well.

Previous post

How to Safely Eat Your Pets During a Food Shortage

Next post

Study Finds PDA is 47% More Annoying During a Pandemic

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor and co-owner of this little expiriment. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

If you're a writer, artist, or performer who would like to get your work out there, or if you've got great things to promote, we've got 160k followers and really fun ways to reach them. We love making things with other Bay creatives, for our partners, and our community. Don't be shy.
alex at
IG: @alexmaksf