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How to Survive the Brutal, Doomed Horniness of Quarantining Single

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by Laurie Riihimaki

Quarantine in these times is necessary, and it actually seemed like a pretty fun idea at first. The introvert in all of us was screaming for joy when we were told to stay home and social distance from the rest of the world. In theory, this means all-nighters filled with Netflix binges (hello, Tiger King, we’re looking at you) and cartons of ice cream with jimmies. But, in reality, it’s a little depressing.

Most of us are home all day either working or jerking off and feeling rather isolated. For the couples of the world, who live together, they’re either cherishing this precious time together playing marbles, baking bread, and doing home renovations… or they’re taking bets about who is going to kill who first. But, for the singles, the reality is much worse.

The single people of the world are feeling their loneliness more than they usually do. At least when the world was normal they were allowed to spend time with friends laughing and joking over wine. And, when they needed to get their groove on, they could easily meet up with someone from a dating app or find an easy target at a local bar. But not anymore.

Quarantine is killing the hook-up culture. But, is it such a bad thing? And, how should singles date while under lockdown? Let’s explore.

How to Date During Quarantine

Dating while it’s your duty to practice social distancing is tricky. Even at the grocery store there are markers on the floors to separate people six feet apart. So, how are you supposed to get to know someone with all these new rules floating around?

Ironically, our generation has been practicing social distancing dating for years. It is more than common that two people will meet over a dating app, totally hit it off, start chatting all day and every day, but when the time comes for them to meet up, it never happens. This is usually in the case of a catfish or someone who maybe is just a little too shy to actually meet IRL. Either way, what I’m saying is that some people are totally loving this excuse to hide behind their phones.

But, for those singles who are used to meeting up and hooking up, this is definitely a gloomy time in dating history. So, here are some tips to get your through:

  • Join A Dating App — Ok, if you’re single you’re probably already on a dating app, but check out Quarantine Together, a new app dedicated to all those lonely isolated singles. 
  • Learn To Talk About More Than Your Dick — This goes for women, as well. Learn the art of conversation. Talk about your values, your fears, and your dreams. Stop talking about your ta-tas, your dick, or what body part you want in whoever’s what-what.
  • Meet Over Video Chat — Ok, so you can’t have a date in person, but it would be nice to know if whoever you’re talking to is worth pursuing after quarantine. So, consider having a date over FaceTime or Skype. Have fun with a drink or two, be each other’s dinner buddy, or play a game. 
  • Watch A Movie Or Show Together — There are apps that allow you to watch the same movie or show as your friend and message each other during it. However, you could also just do this on your own. It’s a great way to connect over something and get to know what makes the other person laugh, cry, and feel. 
  • Treat It Like Long Distance — This is important for people who have already started seeing each other. If you want to keep the spark alive, just treat the situation like it’s long-distance with consistent communication. Keep safe and healthy and help prevent the spread with no touchy-touchy.

Should We Continue This Trend?

So, I’m not saying we should continue self-quarantining after Coronavirus has done its worst. But, I do think there are some dating methods from quarantine we should consider bringing into the future with us. 

The idea of actually getting to know someone on the inside rather than through a titty-pic or a quickie at the bar would be a much-needed upgrade to the modern dating scene. Spending time listening, talking, and laughing with someone during this crazy time can help remind us of the power and necessity of human connection. Seriously, maybe a little quarantine dating will help all the fuckbois realize that there’s more to the world than that ass. A girl can only hope.

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