Gavin Newsom’s Ex Goes Bonkers On Live TV At Republican Convention

Updated: Aug 28, 2020 11:34
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Image: @NikkiMcR via Twitter

We don’t normally define women in positions of power by who they dated previously, that’s an old sexist trope. But we have to make an exception for Kimberly Guilfoyle Newsom, California governor Gavin Newsom’s ex-wife and now Donald Trump Jr.’s main squeeze, who last night delivered a galactically racist Republican convention screed about “human sex drug traffickers.”

Once upon a time (2001), Kimberly Guilfoyle was a brilliant assistant San Francisco district attorney who made a name for herself prosecuting the fatal dog mauling of Diane Whipple. She quickly married then-supervisor Gavin Newsom, who would go on to be San Francisco mayor and make her SF’s First Lady. They would do insanely tacky and ostentatious photo shoots like the one seen above for Harper’s Bazaar.

But Guilfoyle divorced Newsom in 2003 (he had issues), and completed her heel turn by joining Fox News in 2006, and today is banging Donald Trump, Jr. for very-obviously-not career reasons. This led to her Republican Convention speech Monday night, wherein she mastered positioning her torso so that the microphone was always a phallus centered squarely between her tits.  

So how were the reviews? “North Korean Propaganda Is More Subtle,” raved Mother Jones. “I don’t have enough weed to watch this foolishness,” added Wanda Sykes, while Stephen Colbert called her “A vengeful banshee who will haunt your dreams.”


“I want to keep the focus on the unbridled ALL-CAPS fascism of former San Francisco First Lady Kimberly Guilfoyle’s speech — she actually said of Biden and Harris that ‘they want to enslave you to the weak’ — but what of course came through was the volume,” says SF Pride communications manager Pete Kane. “Why was a polished TV professional bellowing in such a stentorian fashion? Is it because she used to work for Kamala Harris but really wants to work for Judge Jeanine Pirro? Guilfoyle and I share a birthday (March 9), but she doesn’t seem like an anguished Piscean to me.”

Ms. Guilfoyle is now happily dating one of the Trump boys, and who knows if we’ll hear wedding bells. Because when women marry a Trump it always works out so well for them. 

You can watch this plastic surgery disaster of a speech below.


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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

1 Comment

  1. Donald Trump
    August 25, 2020 at 3:26 pm

    this is absolutely reality TV bullshit. Don’t listen.