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What Alcoholics Anonymous Taught Me About God

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Alcoholics Anonymous taught me that there is inherent vulnerability in honesty and I’ve only seen my life improve as a result. Being real feels good because I’m confident in what I say is my truth and I think that’s very honorable. I don’t want to be thought of as a liar or a manipulator. I felt so little remorse when I was younger, I was so angry and depressed that I targeted that anger towards my parents. I was so enraged I wanted revenge at times. There were times I didn’t feel bad for what I did but that changed five years ago. I finally put myself in their shoes and I don’t fault them for how they handled things, if anything I applaud them although they could have done things differently. At the end of the day, I’m proud of who they made me into. I’m a good person and I’m intelligent and I have them to thank for that.

AA helped me get closer to God. I don’t know if God is there but I’m going to write down whatever comes to mind as if it were a letter to God.

I’m not sure if you’re there because I don’t feel anything. It feels like I’m alone and no one would be listening if I spoke this aloud. I’m going to speak from my heart and I’m going to be completely honest with you and myself. I’m gonna share whatever stream of thought I’m currently having.

When I was young I felt like they weren’t there for me in a way I needed them to be. I felt trapped or smothered by them and like I was being held back from my potential. Reality was so depressing that I tried drugs and that was a long battle that I’m always going to fight but I know I’m stronger than substances. I can heal extraordinarily, I’ve seen myself do it. It amazes me and makes me feel proud of who I am and who I can be. I don’t want to hurt people, I want to be a positive influence in life. I will always take ownership of where I went wrong and I’m going to do whatever I have to do to make it right. I want people to think I’m a good person because my parents are good people and they taught me right from wrong.

I think my friend’s overdose and subsequent death in June triggered something in me that made me vulnerable. His death really affected me because of how sudden it was.

At my five year mark, I snapped completely and relapsed.

At my five year mark, I snapped completely and relapsed. I feel like myself again and I’m holding onto the feeling. I have to do right by the people who love me and I need to take care of myself because it would be selfish of me to put them through any more pain. They’re happy when I’m doing well so that motivates me to do well. Otherwise I really don’t give a shit about myself. I want to make my family and parents proud, I want to feel fulfilled about what I’m doing with my life.

I really don’t feel like I have a choice about it and being shitty feels shitty. But I guess I have you to thank for that, God. I’m not sure if you’re real but just in case, I want to thank you for keeping me alive all the times I’ve wanted to die. I don’t know where my strength comes from but I absorb every challenge life throws at me because I’m only going to improve from it. Thank you for blessing me with resiliency.

Sometimes we fall down and it’s okay, we just gotta pick ourselves up again.

Sometimes we fall down and it’s okay, we just gotta pick ourselves up again. I will do better. I swear I will and I’ll prove it beyond what you expect. I hope you’re listening. Even if you’re not, I’m still going to do what’s right. I hope you’re real and if you are, why do I feel so alone in this world? Help me not feel alone anymore. Show me the path I’m supposed to walk on because I’m a lost soul. I’ve wandered endlessly, please fill me with purpose.

If you’re reading this, just know you’re not alone. We’re all in this together, even if it appears otherwise.

I think that’s the purpose of religion, to remind us that we’re all connected.

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Valeria Castaneda

Valeria Castaneda

Valeria Castaneda is a 26 year old San Jose native that loves to write, learn about neuroscience, and play with her puppy. If you’re interested in her daily happenings you can follow her on Instagram.

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