Trump has rescinded free admission to all US National Parks on Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Juneteenth. A modest nod to one of the United States’ preeminent civil rights leaders, and to the legacy of slavery, these two fee-free days were instituted in 2018. National Park Service Deputy Director Michael T. Reynolds led the inauguration, calling our national parks “a meaningful place to remember and honor Dr. King, whether one participates in a day of service or visits a site with a direct connection to the man who moved hearts and minds in the struggle for civil rights and equality.” NPR calls this an administrative pushback “against a reckoning of the country's racist history on federal lands.”
But don’t despiar—now you can visit the parks for free every Flag Day. When is that bullshit holiday, you ask? Why, June 14th, silly! What else conveniently falls on June 14th? Trump’s birthday.
It’s for Flag Day, which is June 14th, and definitely not for Trump’s birthday, which is also June 14th. It’s Flag Day. Stop asking.
Who screens Trump’s internet screeds (tragic for funny bones across the aisle tbh) but not his memoranda? Repealing free admission to national parks on two federal holidays celebrating Black people could not have been his decision alone. Who recognized the incoherent throes of a racist man reportedly sliding backward into senility and made it policy nonetheless? With falling approval ratings, it has never been more clear that Trump’s cult of personality is in its final days. It remains unclear whether this national park stunt is symptomatic of Trump’s faltering faculties or a distraction from something worse.
Trump’s birthday and its cover holiday, Flag Day, are not the only new occasions for free admission. Other feeless-entry holidays include Constitution Day (Sept. 17), President Teddy Roosevelt's birthday (Oct. 27), and the National Park Service’s 110th anniversary (Aug. 25, 2026). The updates go into effect beginning New Year’s Day. Trump’s kampf to synonymize himself with US patriots is the laziest linguistic retrofit campaign I’ve seen since Oakland Int’l Airport pulled that San Francisco Bay nonsense. Trump is America and America is Trump, and that’s why from now on, foreigners pay double—even triple.
On holiday from someplace overseas like Canada or Mexico? Run, don’t walk, to pay extra for worse treatment at America’s National Parks in 2026.
If discrimination fails to properly thank vacationers for dumping money into America’s economy, naming it "Trump's commitment to making national parks more accessible, more affordable and more efficient for the American people” certainly makes up for it. Secretary for the Interior Doug Burgum hasn’t responded for comment since his Nov. 25th statement: “President Trump’s leadership always puts American families first,” said Secretary Burgum. “These policies ensure that U.S. taxpayers, who already support the National Park System, continue to enjoy affordable access, while international visitors contribute their fair share to maintaining and improving our parks for future generations.”
This notice was posted at Mount Rainier National Park in Washington State.
You heard ‘em Frenchie, now drop the croissants and fork over all your dough—in real, American money, s'il vous plaît. Then scurry up that Eiffel Tower so you can thank your lucky stars face-to-face it cost just $135 to see Half Dome.
NPR and SFGATE agree this annoying alteration in National Park Service fee structure stinks of America’s ongoing historical revisionist discourse. In May, copies of this weird notice (below), printed unceremoniously on office paper, began appearing on federally managed lands. Visitors were asked to remove and report "signs or other information that are negative about past or living Americans." These orders, handed down by none other than Secretary Burgum, encourage you to narc for the Trump administration. In June, some sensitive folk reported offending signs in Muir Woods. The bulletins in question: notecards taped to a placard by park staff at Muir Woods addressing gaps in local history. Their crime: mentioning the Indigenous Coast Miwok and Southern Pomo inhabitants of the region. It’s striking how the mere mention of Indigeneity infuriates those who can admire nature through no lens but Manifest Destiny.
But we’re the snowflakes.
Tools like Trump and Elon 100% ruined other kids’ birthday parties, those bratty bullies, never invited yet always around despite. You know the type. His parents obviously put up a fuss on his behalf; thus his brooding, unwelcome presence. He’s obnoxious, tone-deaf, unstable, insecure, insufferable in all social and class hierarchies but correspondingly worse with increasing wealth. He isn’t mad he didn’t get invited. He couldn’t care less. But he is pissed off that it’s not his birthday, his party, his birthday party, and trouble is coming.
When I say “bullies” by the way, I’m being incredibly generous. These are not the bullies you and I flinchingly recall, those imminent, genuine threats to life and limb. Or perhaps your tormentors inflicted wounds that lack surface expression. These little shits on the other hand are too dumb to victimize, too dense to realize their cards are showing. The Trumps and Elons of the world all commit the same grave mistake of insisting on being liked. They watch the birthday kid swing at the piñata, miss and graze a classmate. Kid removes blindfold, afraid he’s in trouble. Their classmate is fine, stunned but unharmed. Everyone laughs but Trump, who grabs a stick and starts swinging.
He never cares who he hurts. He’s out to make an impression, be the center of attention, get you talking about him now. The little bastard will never mellow out either. He will scar Shelby Buttcheek’s chin with that stick, get picked up from the party early, and grow up to overturn Roe v. Wade. But it’s all right: you’re invited to his birthday party at Zionism National Park—Americans get in free!
