Wine PSA: “Butt Chugging” – Don’t Do It.

Updated: Feb 09, 2013 15:57
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Hey kids! I thought we might have a little heart to heart before you go out and paint the town red this weekend. It’ll only take a minute, I promise. I want to talk to you about … well, butt chugging. Specifically, butt chugging wine. Apparently, it’s popular with you young folks these days, and gosh, I’m no medical doctor, but I really think you should just not do it. That’s right, avoid the whole thing entirely.

See, in order to successfully administer a wine enema you have to do some fairly unpleasant things to yourself and/or your friends. Mainly, shove a whole bunch of wine up your ass.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “What the hell do YOU know about having fun, you old fart?” … and you’re right. I’m old as shit (Raise your hand if you remember ThunderCats! Just me, huh? That’s what I thought). My life is nowhere near as exciting as yours is and I’ve certainly never participated in this butt chugging business, so I can’t speak from experience, but I’m confident it is a very, very bad idea.

On that note, maybe you’re saying to yourself, “Whatever granny, I’ll butt chug if I wanna.” Maybe it’s happening RIGHT NOW! You’re bent over, pants down, tube in hand, ready to do the deed … then for the love of gawd, please butt chug good wine!! I’m not saying it has to be first-growth Bordeaux, but if you learn nothing else from your peers’ mistakes, at least hark back to the image of a gaggle of frat boys, merrily passing wine from box to butthole one minute, passed out in a pool of their own Franzia-tainted excrement the next. Now repeat out loud, “I shit wine, but not shitty wine!!” until the desire to butt chug bad wine passes.

In sum, I cannot emphasis enough how truly unfortunate it would be if you decided to engage in butt chugging. However, if you fail to heed my advice, please treat your anal canal with the respect (and the wine) it deserves. Your ass works hard for you . Damn hard. It’s the least you can do.

Of course, what kind of wine expert would I be if I didn’t offer you some suggestions? So, without further ado, here are my wine picks for your butt-chugging broke-ass. BONUSIf you prefer to consume wine via a more traditional bodily orifice, these will rock your mouth-hole too.

Pacific Rim Riesling (~$10) – This little dandy comes in various styles and will more than satisfy your Riesling requirements with all of its pretty stone fruit and floral goodness. If you’re the type that thinks yo’ shit smells like roses, this wine will guarantee it.

M. Chapoutier “Belleruche” Cotes-du-Rhone Rouge ($9 – $15) – Pronounced “Shah-POO-tee-ay”, Chapoutier is not only one of the biggest ballers in France, but in the wine world at large (i.e. their high-end stuff fetches mucho dinero). This is a typical Southern Rhone red blend of Grenache & Syrah that’s firm & full in the mouth, uber juicy, and spicier than a jalapeño pooper, er, popper.

Broadbent Vinho Verde ($8 – $11) – Portugal’s largest wine region, Vinho Verde, is known for its eponymous and absurdly refreshing, lemony-limey, slightly spritzy white wines. There’s a reason wine geeks call this a “patio pounder” (I may have polished off a bottle or three before on a warm summer day), but “badonkadonk banger” works too.

Domaine de Pouy ($8 – $10) – Pronounced “POO-ee” (I’m telling ya, I can’t make this stuff up), this is a fantastic dry, white wine from the … wait for it … Cotes de Gascogne. France you are bringin’ it!

Dingac Plavac (~$12) Years of blood, sweat, & tears finally paid off when researchers from UC Davis discovered Zinfandel’s long-lost cousin, Plavac, on the Dalmatian coast in Croatia. What does this mean for you? A slightly more rustic version of the Californian prototype that’s just as (if not more) awesome to drink. Btw, Dingac reminds me of “dung”. Also, there’s a picture of an ass on the label. Just sayin’.

Ass Kisser Fine Red Wine (~$10) I doubt I need to explain this one in terms of butt-chug lingo, but in terms of wine, it’s a blend of Petit Verdot, Grenache, Shiraz, and Mataro from Australia … and it’s lip-smacking delish.

Segura Viudas Brut Cava (~$8) – I admit, this one is a stretch on the butt-related front (Cava is like “cave”, cave is like “canal”? Anal canal? Whatever, I dunno), but people are always asking me what I drink in the “cheap sparkling wine” category and it’s THIS … buttloads of it. You have to be some kind of hardcore masochist to throw bubbles up your ass, but if that’s what gets your motor running, more power to ya.

Got booze confusion? Ask me questions, I’ll answer ‘em. @winemuse

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Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily Crichton - Two Buck Chick

Emily grew up in the great American Midwest where she learned to appreciate the finer things in life, such as cheese curds, polka dancing, and building up a superhuman immune defense to lake sludge. Somewhere in her young adulthood, Emily got all kinds of geeky about wine and decided to forgo a life of luxury in order to be a pro wino in one of the most expensive cities on the planet. This career move would prove to be great for broke-asses everywhere seeking cheap, tasty wine suggestions, but not so great for Emily's predilection for anxiety-free bill-paying. On the rare occasion that she is not imbibing or writing about wine, Emily can usually be found traipsing around estate sales, defending her Wisconsin vernacular, challenging strangers to thumb-wrestling matches, and wishing "Three’s Company” was still on primetime TV.