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Facebook Lost $123 Billion Overnight…and a Bag Of Skittles Just Overdrew Me

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Unless you’ve been living in captivity in the glaciers of Antarctica for the last decade or so, you have a Facebook account. Hell, I’ll be sharing this very article on Facebook within 24 hours, I’m sure. You probably also know that it is one of the richest companies on the planet and the CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, is in the upper echelon of rich people too. And with those great riches comes great responsibility and great chance. When you’re the head of a company, you deal with stocks and performance and trading and all sorts of financial horseshit that I don’t know dick about. What I do know, however, is that the numbers they’re dealing with are something I can’t even fathom. For example, Facebook just lost $123 BILLION in one single night and I just got an overdraft charge from a dollar store purchase. We live in two separate worlds entirely. I can’t even wrap my head around $123 billion existing and this dude LOST that amount. I wanna talk about that, but first, I want to tell you a story.

The “I Lost $123 Billion” Face – Photo Credit: The Standard

About a year ago, I went and visited my girlfriend when she lived in Palm Springs. Long distance relationships gargle loose ball skin, but we’ve made it work. The place she was staying at was less than a mile from one of Mark Zuckerbergs homes. I said one of his homes because he has many of them all over the world. I live in an apartment in New Jersey with 3 other roommates and a cat. I’m veering off course, I’m sorry. It’s just…$123 billion lost and he’s not disrupting his REM cycle while I’ve had to budget toilet paper before. One-ply, not that Quilted Northern “down comforter for your burgundy balloon knot” stuff. It’s fine, I’m fine, everything is fine. Anyway, back to the Palm Springs visit, we were staying close to his spot is my point. Palm Springs is cool in that a shit load of celebrities live there but the rest of it is a glorified strip mall with palm trees & awesome food. I got memories, sunburns, laid by the love of my life and the opportunity to drive by the CEO of Facebooks gated mansion in Palm Springs. You may be asking why I’m taking you down memory lane and my answer is that I’m setting the tone of how different my life is from his. I drove by his house like it was a fucking tourist attraction before flying home in coach, only to catch a midnight bus back to a litter box that needed cleaning.

Basically The Place I Fucked, A Mile From Zucks Place – Photo Credit: Redfin

As I sit here, writing this on a laptop I had to save up months worth of money to purchase, I’ve been reading up on this whole $123 billion loss of revenue. Jesus fucking clown tits, can you feel that when you read that number too? It doesn’t even seem real! Anyway, the company had a 20% stock drop overnight…wait, holy shit! They dropped ONLY 20% and lost $123 billion!? It’s okay, Jonas, you live in different worlds. Compose yourself and finish this article, goddamn it! So where was I…oh yeah, 20% stock loss. So what does this say for Facebook? This says that, for the first time in a very long time, Facebook has stalled. New user sign up is lower than ever and the revenue the site is generating has hit a stand still. By the way, I had to budget for a fucking cheeseburger tonight and losing $123 billion wasn’t shit for Mark Zuckerberg. I’m not bitter, you’re bitter! Okay, I’m back.

The bigger question here, to me, is what does this mean about us? As a people, connected to the internet 24/7, what does it mean when FB has a big enough new user stall to drop their earnings that far in 24 hours? I think it speaks volumes about how we’re starting to get wise to the tech giants bullshit with data misuse and privacy stumbles, at the very least. I think younger people, especially, are seeing these things and deciding not to opt in. Some think it may have to do with more social media upstarts coming online and pushing for users, ironically promoting on FB using paid celebrities to drive users. Some think it may be the fact that every bubble eventually has to burst and FB may be reaching that limit. We all remember when MySpace was the thing and was pulling in money hand over fist. But where is Tom now? Is he in your top 8 anymore? No, he isn’t. He isn’t because you and I turned our backs on his smiling, over the shoulder glancing face and glittery background pages to jump ship to Facebook. Is Mark Zuckerberg going to become the next Tom soon? The simple answer is: No. Facebook is going to be fine. We’re too attached to Facebook and social media in general in most aspects of our lives. Mark isn’t done with us quite yet.

We Betrayed You, Tom – Photo Credit: Grunge

I still cannot believe that, one year ago, I flew across the country for a vacation and laid in the arms of the woman of my dreams just down the road from Mark Zuckerbergs estate. And in that moment, he and I were both our own versions of Mark Zuckerberg. The difference is that when he woke up, he was the real billionaire Mark Zuckerberg and when I woke up, I had to balance my bank account to make sure I didn’t spend too much on Del Taco & LaCroix.

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Hey Readers!

I'm a stand up comic, freelance writer, freelance photographer & freelance (insert thing here you want to pay me to do) based out of NYC. I've been doing comedy for a decade and writing professionally for 5-6 years.

I produce a show every 1st Wednesday of the month at The Creek and The Cave in NYC at 10pm and you should totally come see it. Check out my Instagram for my photos. I like you, I know you'll like me back.

- Jonas Barnes
@JonasBarnes on Twitter
@jonasbarnescomedy on IG
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