How Do I Tell My Frenenmie That Her Boyfriend Sends Me D*ck Pics?
Welcome our new weekly column, “Ask a Grown Up” in which you can ask and have your most burning questions answered by a supposed grown up.
Hello young, broke, and beautiful readers! It is I, Kate the Supposed Grownup, back from the archives of this site to answer your most burning questions (you really should see a doctor for that!)
As you may recall, I’m your crazy, tattooed older sister, offering you adult-like advice, much like a hipster Dear Abby. Since we last met, so much has changed for me… first of all, my #BritishHusband and I moved to LA from our previous location in the Midwest. Second, and most importantly IMHO, we had a kid! Lil’ P is 10 months old and is testing us in ways we never thought possible. Third, I turned 45, which is a truly respectable grownup age.
Given these life changes, I feel even more adult-like and even more qualified to offer you questionable advice on your problems. Yay! I’m happy to be back, let’s jump right into it:
KM asks via Facebook:
“How do I tell my frenenmie that her boyfriend sends me dick pics?”
Tod help me, KM – you couldn’t start me off with a softball question? We gotta start right in with frenemies and dick picks? It’s my first day back in the office!
Okay, let’s do this thing.
KM, your question leads me to another question: Why do you want to tell your frenemie that her boyfriend sends you dick pics?
– Is it because you really care about her and want to prevent her from wasting her time on an asshole who sends other people unsolicited dick picks?
– Or, is it because you really hate her and want to stir the $h*tpot to create chaos and drama in her life?
I’ll start with the latter question: If you DON’T care and are looking to jab at your frenemie and make her life a living hell… Then you are actually an asshole and should reevaluate your life choices.
Grownups (which I am an expert on) don’t do stuff like this. We grownups do not take the opportunity to hurt another person because we semi-dislike them. We just don’t. It’s not right. It’s not human.
What grownups do, (again – expert grownup here,) is cultivate their semi-loathing for their frenemie and talk smack about them to our other friends in a group text. We gossip, we don’t hit below the belt!
And, to be quite frank: I wouldn’t mention the dick pics to your gossip girl friends, either. I would ignore those photos completely. Feel sorry for your frenemie that she has to deal with this duplicitous sleaze bag. And, delete and block that scuzzball for goodness sake! It’s truly the only acceptable thing to do, (trust me, I’m a grownup!)
In this case, you SHOULD NOT tell your frenemie about the dick piccs.
Whereas, if your want to tell her because you DO care about her and want to prevent her from wasting her time on an asshole that sends other people unsolicited dick picks, you SHOULD tell her.
The question is how?
In my opinion, the best way to deal with telling a person life changing bad news is to do it in person, and do it quickly.
So call up your frenemie, meet her at a bar, buy her a few shots. When you think she’s been lubricated enough to handle some bad news… just tell her.
Rip the bandaid off. Lay it out for her in a simple, concise, clear way.
“Hey Frenemie. I have to tell you something bad. Your boyfriend has been sending me unsolicited dick picks.”
And, then (because she will tell you that you’re lying and full of $h*t,) show her the proof.
Yes, you have to show her the proof. You have to demonstrate that this has actually happened. Because you are frenemies and it’s too easy for her to blow off what you’ve told her as bull$h*t.
The other thing you have to do is prepare yourself. The frenemie may become an actual enemy. We do live in a society where we tend to kill the messenger. The love to misplace anger on someone runs deep in our culture. We’re broken, but it makes us wise. Yeah. She’s gonna hate you.
That sucks, I know. As my dad says (who is a super duper expert level grownup,) “It is what it is.”
You can take some comfort in the fact that you have done the right thing, are a good person, and actually were acting as an actual friend to your frenemie. Then move on and find someone new to obsess over, semi-loathe, and gossip about with your real friends in a group text.
I hope this helped KM!
Till next week – make good life choices you young, broke, and beautiful creatures!
Need advice? Got a question for the Supposed Grownup? Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org! Maybe I’ll give you questionable advice in an upcoming column!