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Say Whatever the F*** You Want About Barron Trump

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Constitutional Law expert Pamela Karlan spoke to the House Judiciary Committee’s first impeachment-related hearing yesterday. Since then, the country has been thrown into frenzied discussion over her remarks regarding the conduct of the President:

Everything I know about our Constitution and its values, and my review of the evidentiary record, tells me that when President Trump invited — indeed, demanded — foreign involvement in our upcoming election, he struck at the very heart of what makes this country the “republic” to which we pledge allegiance. That demand constituted an abuse of power … Based on the evidentiary record, what has happened in the case before you is something that I do not think we have ever seen before: a president who has doubled down on violating his oath to “faithfully execute” the laws and to “protect and defend the Constitution.” The evidence reveals a President who used the powers of his office to demand that a foreign government participate in undermining a competing candidate for the presidency.

Just kidding. Nobody is talking about that. They’re talking about this:

Outrage has exploded across the conservative mediasphere, with anti-bullying crusader Melania Trump and more climbing aboard their high horses to gallop to the rescue of an innocent teenage boy who had to suffer the brutal injustice of having his name mentioned. 

Now, I could list extensive examples of conservative calls for civility when it comes to children not being extended to the likes of say, Malia Obama or Greta Thunberg or literal victims of school shootings. I could also take the time to parse out that simply acknowledging that the boy’s name is “Barron” doesn’t quite add up to bullying (unless you believe that naming your child “Barron” is so cringingly stupid that even bringing it up is cruel to the child, in which case I’ll hear you out).

Instead, however, I’ll just say this:

Say whatever the fuck you want about Barron Trump.

Really. I mean it. Go nuts.

Say Barron Trump looks like he got kicked out of Slytherin for fingering the elves.

Say that Barron Trump walks like a scarecrow that came to life.

Say that Barron Trump has no friends because instead of “duck, duck, goose” he wants to play “cuck, cuck, JEW!”

The Right uses the first amendment to protect their misinformation and hate speech, but instantly transform into triggered pearl-clutching paragons of sensitivity when attacked. Point out that they used the wrong pronoun for a transgender person, and you’re a snowflake, point out that the President’s son has a name, you’re a bully. 

It’s disingenuous and calculated and we don’t have to bend to it. Civility and decorum have deliberately been rejected by Trumpists. I’d even go so far as to say that their wholesale rejection of empathy is what appeals most to many of their more pathological supporters. These people aren’t in it for The United States, for The Planet, for The Future… They’re in it to “own the libs!”

Then these people have the sheer audacity to strategically feign sensitivity when it’s politically expedient for them. It’s the kind of broken thinking that makes me wonder if they’re as inbred as Barron Trump looks. 

Now, you might be saying I’m being cruel. You might want to point out that Barron didn’t choose his parents any more than he chose his deeply, deeply stupid name. It’s not his fault, you say. How can you justify making him suffer for circumstances over which he had no control?

And it’s easy for me to answer you. It’s easy for me to point out that the children in internment camps are innocent, that the children sexually attacked by Roy Moore are innocent, that LGBTQ children are innocent, that the children who hear AR-15 fire echoing down their school hallways are innocent, and that there are so many more examples of innocent children being harmed and killed by Trumpist policies. Too many for me to feel anything – anything at all – about their vacant little boy king’s feelings.

So I’ll reiterate: Say whatever the fuck you want about Barron Trump.

And if anyone is concerned I’m taking it too far, I think Melania said it best…

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Max Bruno

Max Bruno

Editor, writer, comedian. My Myers-Briggs type is BDSM-SJW.