The 5 Best Ways to Prepare for World War 3
By Jonas Barnes
Let’s be honest with ourselves, as an American people, for just a moment. We fucked up, everyone! Some months ago, we made a big mistake and allowed the highest office in our government to be inhabited by a giant man baby. The very man baby that, sooner or later, will be plunging his nuts deep into the next world war.
Don’t believe me? He basically threatened to destroy North Korea after intelligence indicated they had a nuke ready to go. North Korea is one of those countries that you really don’t fuck with unless you’re absolutely certain that they don’t have nukes.
So the way I look at it, we’re getting ready for World War 3 and we need to prepare for it. So let’s get started, shall we?
1.) Make Sure You Have Food & Water
Food and water should be your first priority when preparing for World War 3. There is a more than likely chance that you’re not a doomsday prepper with 150lbs of freeze dried space ice cream sandwiches, so we need to start preparing now. Buy cheap, shitty tasting protein in a can like SPAM or store brand tuna fish to start. These may taste like armpit meat but they have a shelf life of more than 5 years so usually, they last. Fun Fact: Most shitty canned foods have long shelf lives due to the poisonous chemicals preserving them. You don’t need to worry about poison, though, since the president is fucking with a country that has weapons that can melt our skin off. What was I saying? Oh yes, water! Hydration is key to survival. Buy as much bottled water as you can and also iodine to purify the shitty water that’s left after you panic and drink all your bottled water.
2.) Learn to Fight
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You need to know how to fight in case other families try to conquer your territory during the nuclear holocaust. Unfortunately, there’s no time for you and your family to take kickboxing lessons. We’re gonna have to do this the old fashioned way. You must fight yourselves to prepare for survival. All those years of angst, anger, and annoyance get to come out while you work on a solid right cross or a properly placed headbutt. You don’t have to worry about them disowning you because, in times of war, you’re all they’ll have left. Now learn how to take a punch.
3.) Learn First Aid
During times of war, you will be attacked by enemies both foreign and domestic. Sally & Joe down the street with the awesome apple pie recipe will happily slice you open from ear to ear when that bomb hits. You need to know how to dress wounds and stop bleeding, at the very least. You don’t have time to read a medical book so cut open the flesh of the next motherfucker that mouths off to you, call the ambulance and watch what they do from afar while taking notes. Also, learn basic CPR in case your smallest child gets scared and chokes on something. You can actually just YouTube this one and get everything you need.
4.) Learn How To Read A Map
I think I can actually see the “What the fuck?” written across your faces because you just read the word “map” as if I was talking about a paper one. Plot Twist: I was talking about the relic known as a paper map. I hate to tell you this, but in the nuclear hellscape, your cell phone isn’t gonna work. The cell towers may be melted, and all the satellites may have crashed and burned. So say goodbye to Google Maps and GPS. Learn directions on a paper map, at the very least. The actual streets may not matter after we’re leveled by a wave of radiation but you’ll at least wanna know what direction you’re going so you don’t get too lost. Also, you should really just know how to read a fucking map in general without the threat of a world war. At least buy a topographical map of the region you live in and study it.