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A Premature Farewell to Virgin’s Safety Video

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Alaska Airlines purchased Virgin America Airlines last year and has recently begun phasing out Virgin’s signature branding.

According to CNN, the purple mood lighting, trendy uniforms, and edgy branding will soon be a thing of the past, and it’s only a matter of time before we have to say farewell to the most aggressive and confusing element of the Virgin brand: the safety video.

At its best, this is safety at its most erotic. At its worst, it could be considered hostile. Either way, it’s in need of a closer look and a proper farewell.

0:06When they are gone, we must remember Virgin America for what they were: so sexy. Look at all these sexy guys and sexy gals in their sexy shirts in this weird sexy fake airplane warehouse. I think we can all agree that the problem with traditional safety videos is that they weren’t arousing enough.

 

0:11Check out this fucking hipster goon with his ill fitting beanie and his cargo vest. Very confusing plane attire. Early front runner for worst character in this video…

 

o:14: … I may have spoken too soon.

 

0:37: “Flight Attendant Threatens Nun and then
Steals her Phone

This is either a gag from the Virgin America safety video or an actual headline about United Airlines.

0:59: Oh hello, I would like to introduce you to the love of my life. Her name is Attractive Contortionist Seat Belt Enthusiast, and she is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Also, heads up: we have reached the high point of this video. It’s all downhill from here.


 1:39: “Now that you’re bopping your head to the rap scene” is such a horrible line that it makes me want nothing more than to help myself before a child in an emergency situation, so I guess it worked?

 

2:04The clear villains of this video. These spooky fucking pop-locking robots make my skin crawl. WHY WOULD A ROBOT EVEN NEED A LIFE VEST. WHAT IS THIS MADNESS?

 

2:44Just in case we must evacuate/We’ve got a plan of attack *flight attendant physically throws a passenger out of his seat and throws up some slick finger guns* Not sure I love this plan.

 

3:15IS THIS AN AIRPLANE TO HELL?

 

 3:45: This is the part of the video where this cool ass little kid slides in, swoops on my dream girl, and exposes her as someone who thinks it’s fine to vape on an airplane. This is an emotional roller coaster for which I am never prepared. Forcing this on me three minutes before soaring thousands of feet above land in a metal tube is inappropriate and irresponsible.

4:03: Ah, my favorite part of any flight. The moment just before takeoff when we all undo the seat belts we were just instructed to buckle, stand up, hold high our holy safety totems, and pledge our allegiance to the one true airline deity. All other gods are dead.

Long live the sexy airplane. Long live branded safety. Long live Virgin.    

 

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Jesse McGrath

Jesse McGrath

Jesse McGrath is a writer, comedian, educator and all-around sweetheart. Born and raised in the Bay Area and educated at San Francisco State, he recently migrated out east to Brooklyn. English teacher during the day, full-time delinquent every time else.

1 Comment

  1. No_Diggity
    September 20, 2017 at 11:59 am

    Nobody cares.