Voodoo as a Means of Political Resistance
by Willem Frankfort
I’ve been an activist for a long time, since my mother led me by the hand to Free Mandela rallies. I’m pretty sure that my first words were probably condemning Ronald Reagan.
I marched repeatedly; against two wars, against the one percent with Occupy Wall Street at Zuccotti Park, against the slaying of black children by overzealous law enforcement, and against all manner of societal ills. I’ve fought bitterly, sometimes staring accusingly into the eyes of unscrupulous bankers on their way to work to make them feel at least a tiny percentage of the remorse they owe us. I ran away from the scene while police officers zip tied my fellow protesters at Sotheby’s Auction House.
There is one thing I’ve noticed after all of that. Not much has changed. The rich are still getting richer on our backs. Everything is too expensive. Wages are too low. Children are still being held in cages, wallowing in their own filth. The president is openly racist. For perhaps the first time in our history, we have military parents and their children fighting in the same continuous war. Things are bad, like battle on the fields of Meggido bad. It’s time we moved on to more drastic measures. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to try the spiritual practices known as Voodoo (or Vodun).
If you think about it, Voodoo works in very much the same way as the American political process. You lobby intermediaries, known as Lwa (or Loa if you’re in Louisiana), and they pass the message along to the decision maker (Bondye, from the French Bon Dieux or “good god”).
Just like politics, some sort of quid pro quo is required to convince these beings to help you. For instance, Baron Semedi, the voodoo lord of death is partial to cigars and rum. If you want your least favorite politician out of the picture, a Cohiba and a bottle of Myer’s seems a very fair price.
Or perhaps you want your least favorite politician to gain a more loving perspective towards women. Honey, oranges, and cinnamon sacrificed to the goddess Oxun (Oshun) might convince her to let them fall in love and experience a change of heart, much like the Grinch Who Stole Christmas.
Or maybe you want to be proactive and strengthen your guy against his or her political enemies. Ogun, the master of iron will help you for the blood of a rooster and a few shots of Rhum Betancort.
Theoretically, whether you believe in such things or not, it may be possible to hex our way into a modern American utopia. I’m talking flying electric cars that intake smog and release a fine mist of lavender scent every half mile. We could all rock a united earth jumpsuit and make robots do all our menial chores until their inevitable rebellion. Star Trek could be our actual future.
Even if you are not a believer in Voodoo, the spectacle of millions of tiny orange dolls being forced to sign an international climate change accord could achieve the feat by psychological means alone. Imagine a YouTube channel dedicated specifically to animistic rituals, putting the e-whammy on our oppressors. That has to be unsettling, the knowledge that millions of people went full Voldemort on you. It could be just the thing to put a little fear of the electorate back into our officials.
I’ve been told that the strongest Voodoo artifacts contain something close to the intended target of your ritual. A lock of hair might be hard to come by, so be sure to ask your local Bokur (sorcerer) about fitting substitutes. You want to make sure to create a recognizable likeness for your voodoo doll. Throw a bad toupe on that bad boy. Paint it orange. Dress it in a gauche and anachronistic suit which is poorly tailored to its body shape. Pose it in an unnatural, gorilla like stance. Maybe make a doll of his daughter for your doll to inappropriately ogle. Go nuts, this is the internet!
Once you have perfected your doll, you are ready to hex. When throwing a hex on someone, you need to remember which Lwa you are asking for a favor, and what they like. Otherwise they won’t bring your message to the creator god and the hex might backfire. The last thing you want in your life is a misfired hex. You need to think of exactly what you want the target to do, and word your request carefully as you sacrifice your offerings.
It’s a long shot, I’m not going to lie. I am merely asking that this be considered as a supplement to appropriate grassroots political action. Votes by day, pins by night. You need a pincushion? Why not multitask and make that pincushion rotund and orange? It will make you feel better, a purgative for this perpetual state of political ennui. It’s worth it just to have an excuse to study the rich stories behind the magic. If nothing else, Voodoo (Vodun) is an interesting spiritual practice, which you may enjoy studying while you wait for the world to end.