How to Grow Your Social Media Brand While Dying Inside

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by Laurie Riihimaki

Having Instagram is a necessity if you want to have any sort of influence on the world. That’s because our average audience is just like us: easily impressionable, loves instant gratification, and they’re suffering from sore thumbs from frequent scrolling. Seriously, if you’re not on Insta then are you even relevant?

And though you may feel as if you’re dying inside from all these bullshit concerns about image, you still have to play “the game” and pretend your life is Instaworthy.

The end-goal is to make your Insta POP… and have everyone wish they had your life, even though you’d really rather staple your eyes shut and have a masked man pour bleach down your throat.  

Or is that just me?

You, like every other millennial, have this unwavering desire to have people think, “Wow, I wish that was me!” as they scroll through your carefully strategized feed of matcha lattes, bikini pics, and wilderness adventures. 

But, how do you make people react that way if your life sucks and you’re actually dying a slow and depressing death inside because of your recent breakup, or your job loss, or the fact that you’ve just always been a loser?

It’s actually simpler than you think! We are here to share five easy steps on how to strengthen your Instagram, even when you feel like a big ‘ol bag of dicks. 

Pick A Theme

Theme is super important when it comes to Instagram. And, this theme dictates how you must live your life, so choose wisely because you are about to be fully committed to your new image. 

First thing’s first, you can’t have too many interests. Actually, even to have more than one interest could be confusing to your audience, which is ok because if you’re dying inside and you’re still worried about your social media, chances are you don’t have any passions at all. So, think of this theme as a clean slate. 

You want your audience to think you have a sense of identity. In the world of social media, if you don’t have a specific passion, you’re not interesting. Well, unless you’re just incredibly hot. But, you’re dying inside, so that’s probably not the case for you. Hot people are happy people — Just look at their Instagrams!

You must super-focus on one thing and it must become your whole life. If you love the outdoors and want to display that for your audience, you must really embrace that lifestyle. You can’t just post pictures of beautiful landscapes, you must live and breathe your posts. 

To really become an “outdoorsy” person, you must give up your house, build a fort in the woods and live there full-time. Eat weird mushrooms and berries, make friends with the beavers and bears, and sleep in the dirt. You don’t want your audience to think you’re a faker, right? That would definitely lose you some followers. 

Also, it’s scientifically proven that nature helps relieve symptoms of depression, so that combined with a thousand new followers could really put your life on the upswing!

Pick An Aesthetic

To go along with the idea of theme, you must pick an aesthetic. This aesthetic is very important in order to draw people’s eyes to your feed. 

There are many different kinds of layouts for Insta, some people choose to post a quote followed by a photo, followed by a quote in order to create a lovely display for their viewers. Or, some surround all their pictures with white borders. No matter what design you pick, you will still want to kill yourself. 

But, ignore the noose hanging in your closet, and continue on your branding journey. To go along with the layout is the color scheme. All photos must have the same color theme. This is where a decision must be made. What color would you like to represent you? Are you ‘blue’: calm and collected? Or, are you ‘pink’: girly and feminine? Or, how about ‘yellow’: happy and positive? Just be sure not to choose something dark like black or earthy colors. People might label you as “emo” if that’s even a relevant term anymore, or “mysterious”, which is not what you want if you’re going for that traveling “live, laugh, love” vibe. Keyword: Live.

So, say you choose pink because you want to be that girly-girl who everyone goes to for recommendations on the best designer purse of the season and who constantly gets asked the question, “Can you really pair silver with gold?” 

To be this girl, you must then surround yourself with all things pink. This will make it easier to create content for your Insta. Make your house pink, for sure. And, of course, wear pink and bring pink accessories and props with you wherever you go. You never know when you’re going to have an impromptu photo-shoot pop up!

Though you’ll be surrounded by a flirty happy color, your thoughts will still leave you feeling empty and drowning. Pick up some pink tissues to stay on-brand. 

Archive All Pics of Your Ex-Bff Jill

Ok, so Jill is out of the picture IRL, so she should definitely be off your Insta too. Basically, she is the sole reason why you want your life to end. Jill was a total bitch when she cockblocked you at that party. Mark was totally hitting on you and Jill just couldn’t stand not being the center of attention. 

Yeah, Mark is a total stoner and probably not even as cool as you think. But, he is a surfer and you’ve always wanted to hook up with a surfer! And you KNOW Jill knew that because you had talked about it when you visited San Diego last Spring.

You were sitting on the pier, drinking a vodka-soda because you were on keto and couldn’t have a margarita which would be your usual choice, and you said to Jill, point-blank, “I’ve always wanted to hook-up with a surfer.” So, how the fuck could Jill do that to you?

Anyway, all the pictures of Jill should be archived so that no one can see them anymore. Don’t delete them because you and Jill might make up in a few weeks. It’s happened before. 

However, if there are pics where Jill looks hotter than you, feel free to trash them for good. You don’t want to be shown up by a cockblocker. 

Only Post at Prime Times

Posting at the right time is essential to secure your success in the social media world. If you post at a time when no one is active on Insta – there is a definite chance that no one will give it any love. So, how could you possibly get any validation that you deserve to continue living here on this earth? Seriously, if you don’t get any likes, why are you even STILL ALIVE???

This is where you must test out your audience. Post pictures at different times to see if you have more of a morning crowd or if you’re followed by a bunch of night owls. Then, tailor your lifestyle to this. If you have people liking your content the most at 3 AM, then make sure you are awake at that time to post your pics. A regular sleep routine doesn’t matter if you are already depressed. 

If you’re lazy and unwilling to change your sleep pattern for the sake of your social media branding success, then simply use an app like Hootsuite or Later to post to your Insta automatically. Loser. 

Hashtag Without Looking Thirsty

So, hashtags are important to reach new followers. And, if used correctly, you could be swimming in life-validating new follows within a couple of weeks. But, you certainly don’t want to look too thirsty for recognition. That would not be good for your image.

For the first few photos on your feed definitely overload them with hashtags and every variation possible. For example, if you hashtag #dream also hashtag #dreamer and #dreaming. But, after you start gaining followers, take a step back from the hashtag game. If your followers think you are looking for attention, they won’t want to give it to you anymore. 

Also, make your hashtags are always super positive. You don’t want to give any indication to your audience that you’re dying inside. Save the sad posts for your diary and continue to fool the world with your well-strategized Insta!

They’ll learn about the true you when they find your diaries. Of course, by then, it’ll be too late for Jill. Vengeance will be served. She knows what she did…

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