Nicki Minaj Won’t Get Vaccinated Over ‘Swollen Testicles’ Fears

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Multiplatinum recording artist and occasional Drag Race judge Nicki Minaj is getting dragged on Twitter right now, for the most bizarre “Dog ate my homework” excuse for not getting the vaccine in the entire world of pop stardom. She’s refusing to attend the Met Gala because they’re making it a mandatory vaccination event, which we suppose is her right. But her excuse for not getting the vaccine is… well, pretty nuts!

“My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen,” Minaj tweeted at 2:44 p.m. Monday. “His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding. So just pray on it & make sure you’re comfortable with ur decision, not bullied.”

OK, where to begin here? Lady, your ”cousin’s friend”  — on the off-chance this motherfucker even exists  — did not get dumped because of vaccine-related swollen testicles. He cheated on his fiance, got an STD, she dumped him, end of goddamned story. Yes, I too have made up fantastical stories to con my partner into thinking I wasn’t actually fucking someone else. 

But you know what? I was totally fucking someone else and just lying about it. Kind of like your cousin’s vaccine buddy is.

Minaj is on an absolute tweetstorm right now, and attacking all the media outlets critiquing the sheer batshittines of her tweet. (We’ll take a shout-out, babe!) She’s indicated she tested positive for COVID-19, and we can sure relate to how difficult that is. But she’s pulling the “Oh, I need to do more research” canard, when there are large volumes of research proving the vaccines are safe and effective, regardless of what your goddamned Facebook and Youtube “research” tells you.

But the Met Gala is going on regardless, without Nicki Minaj, and we hope people remember a different message being spread tonight by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

UPDATE: Now Tucker Carlson is amplying Nicki Minaj’s claims as fact. She just bought us another nine months of mask-wearing and limited capacities.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

1 Comment

  1. September 14, 2021 at 4:10 pm — Reply

    I knew I was done with Nicki after her penchant for paedophiles (her brother [paid his legal fees], and her husband), her hypocrisy, and her desperate public attacks on Cardi B. As such, the fact that takes the ignorant anti-vaxxer approach doesn’t surprise me.

    When she says she’s doing her “own research”, I assume that means the new anti-vaxxer trend of gargling iodine? (Yes, really: )

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