Dear Shameless

By Shameless Heather Atles

Hi, I’m Shameless Heather Atles, an expert relationships, sex, and intimacy coach. With years of experience guiding individuals through the complexities of love, connection, and self-worth, my approach combines humor, practical wisdom, deep insights, and actionable steps to empower those navigating the twists and turns of modern romance. 

Ask me anything! hello@heatheratles.com

DEAR SHAMELESS,

My husband and I have been monogamously married for 8 years. For the past year or so I’ve been fantasizing about opening up. I love my husband, I’m happy in the marriage and don’t want to fuck anything up, but I find myself daydreaming about having more freedom.

I brought it up with my hubby and he is willing to explore the idea of opening up, but we’re a little overwhelmed at where to start.

~PolyWog

DEAR POLYWOG,

Props to you for opening up the convo with your hubs. And props to him too because he didn’t run for the hills! Instead he’s lacing up his boots ready to explore this vast new terrain with you. But before you sprint off into new and unknown sexcapades, let’s make sure you have some semblance of a map.

There are more ways to do Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM, also called Ethical Non-Monogamy or ENM) than there are sexual positions (even if you count group sex configurations!) It’s no wonder you’re feeling a bit lost about where to begin. You’re not alone.

Illustration created by Heather Atles using AI

IT’S GETTING HOT IN HERE

CNM is on the rise across America. According to a YouGov poll last year, about a third of adults “describe their ideal relationship as something other than complete monogamy.” San Francisco has always been ahead of that curve, I’m pretty sure the stats here are higher. I frequently hear people complaining that it’s hard to find someone who wants monogamy in this town. You and your guy are in good company, and in a great place to get your groove on.

But before you dive into the deep end of the orgy, let’s make sure you can swim. Or at least float. You tested the waters by broaching the subject with your husband, however, the conversation’s just getting started. In fact, get comfy, there’s gonna be a lot of talking. Like, a lot a lot. 

Illustration created by Heather Atles using AI

COMMUNICATION IS YOUR NEW FETISH

The first thing you want to discuss is your respective reasons for opening up. You want to know your whys before you start figuring out your hows and whats. Thankfully, it doesn’t sound like you’re trying to “fix” a problematic relationship (spoiler alert, opening up won’t fix anything, it usually just makes things worse). 

Digging into why you both want to open up will help you get clear on what you’re seeking from adding other partners into the mix. You said you want more freedom. What does that mean to you exactly? For many people, freedom means feeling powerful, having agency, calling your own shots. That’s a different approach to CNM than being motivated to have more variety in your sex life, or desiring the excitement of a spark with someone new. Your husband will have his own reasons for exploring CNM. Your whys likely won’t be exactly the same, but starting there gives you the foundation for understanding what “opening up” actually means to you both.

There’s a whole spectrum of ethical/consensual non-monogamy, from swinging (which generally involves an NSA approach to sex with new people, often other couples at a club or party) to family-style polyamory (multiple romantically and emotionally connected partners who all enjoy each other’s company.) 

Illustration created by Heather Atles using AI

HIT THE BOOKS BEFORE YOU HIT THE SHEETS

It’s time to start cramming like you’re back in college. You were pretty slutty back then also, remember?!? This time your syllabus includes OG guide to non-monogamy, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, along with More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, and PolySecure by Jessica Fern. Sure, it’s a heavy course load, but buying and reading four books is a lot cheaper and easier than a divorce. 

I highly recommend you each read at least one book and share your thoughts before coming up with your agreements. If you really can’t manage a whole book (slacker!) then bounce around Franklin Veaux’s polyamory site, which is nicely organized with lots of posts for beginners.

AGREEMENTS? BOUNDARIES? RULES? HOW DO WE…?

For couples newly opening up there’s often an idea that the right rules can keep you safe from the potential hurt feelings and insecurity that come with the territory. Legislating feelings or behavior is no guarantee that you won’t ever feel bad or afraid. That said, it’s good to get on the same page about what kind of CNM you’re both agreeing to (swinging, polyamory, relationship anarchy, unicorn hunting*, etc.), and what your boundaries are. 

Quick vocab lesson: Boundaries are about your personal limits. No one has to agree on your boundaries, but it’s up to you to uphold them. Rules are communally negotiated and externally enforced. Boundaries are self-imposed and self-directed, whereas rules are about creating a shared understanding of expectations. For a deeper dive into the distinction and what it means for your relationship, I highly recommend you check out this episode of the podcast, Multiamory. You might find a few more helpful episodes there as well.

Illustration created by Heather Atles using AI

FIND YOUR PEOPLE

Navigating open relationships without some understanding allies is like trying to assemble IKEA furniture without the instructions—frustrating, the screws are all wrong, and it’s likely to end up looking nothing like you hoped. Find forums, local meet-ups, and friends who are as sex-positive and intrepid as you. Surround yourself with fellow adventurers who can guide you, comfort you, and exchange war stories with you. It’s like having a support group, but everyone’s really into discussing their calendars. You’ll inevitably hear the joke that polyamory is for people with a scheduling kink.

If you find yourself wanting more help navigating the advanced relationship ins and outs, find a good relationship and intimacy coach. Many of us are specifically trained to address the complexities of nontraditional relationship structures, whereas you may spend half your sessions with a couples therapist just getting them up to speed on CNM.

PolyWog, you’re about to enroll in the masterclass of relationship dynamics, where the homework is fun (if you’re doing it right) and the lessons are profound. Remember, the surest way to fuck things up is by clamming up. Keep the communication flowing, even when it’s really hard. Take things slow and be gentle with yourself and with each other. In the grand scheme of things, remember that opening up your relationship is supposed to add joy, not stress. If at any point it feels like you’re trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in the dark, take a step back and reassess.

Here’s to not screwing it up – but if you do, may it be gloriously and with panache.

Love,

Shameless

*Don’t be unicorn hunters. More on that later.

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