Skateboards, Pornstars, and Fatherhood (Chris Nieratko’s Life is Better Than Yours)

This was Chris and Chris’s Christmas Card one year

I’ve known Chris Nieratko for like five years now. I first met him when my friend Sarah was working over at VICE in Brooklyn, and had to arrange his west coast book-signing tour for his then newly-released smut novel, SKINEMA (then a book, now a show on VBS). She wanted my help finding a venue for him to talk about all the totally gross, dastardly deeds he performed, and I willingly gave it to her since I got a free book out of the deal and I am easy going. Chris came out, we met, and he’s been one of my best friends ever since (which should explain a lot but don’t judge me), so I asked him to answer some questions about his weird life, and he did. Eventually.

Be warned. This content is super graphic, so if you’re easily offended, don’t read it. (And get off the internet. This place is rife with corruption and boobs and drugs and all that freedom of speech stuff that one of your braver relatives probably died for in WWII.)

Chris with one of his many fans

Please state your full name and occupation(s).

My name is Christopher James Xavier Nieratko I. My occupation is “supposed father” to Christopher James Nieratko II and Christopher James Nieratko III. I also do some writing on the side and own four NJ Skateshops in New Jersey.

I know you’re a father first and foremost, but can you list out all the jobs that you actually get paid money for doing?

I write for Vice, Espn.com, The Skateboard Mag, Skateboarder, Burning Angel.com, King Shit, The Skateboard Journal and a bunch more magazines i cant remember at the moment. I also have a web show on Offthewall.tv.

Lady Chris, on the realization that she married Chris

So you hang out with pornstars a lot for your VICE show. That’s cool. Have you ever had any particularly negative experiences with them, or have they all been awesome?

Sure, i have. But i get a kick out of negative experiences. I remember going to the AVN Porn Convention in Vegas with my wife and doing a bunch of interviews with girls for my column at the time in the UK Fetish Magazine, Bizarre. All the girls were darlings, mainly because i am very non-threatening, since i am happily married – they don’t need to fear turning around and having me jerk off on their back. But there was one big-titted circus freak that i was extremely excited to interview because she was known to be able to shove anything up her butt. She had a bowling pin up there, baseballs, baseball bats, hundreds of chop sticks, one video she had nearly 8 HUGE dildos in her ass. She was amazing to me and i had all sorts of fantastic questions for her about her butthole, the first and most obvious being, “Is there anything you can’t fit up your ass?” And would you believe this nutty broad lost her mind at that first question? She started to berate me in front of my wife, telling me that this was HER ART and she takes it very seriously. I sat there smiling a shit-eating grin, because there’s nothing people hate more when they’re yelling at you, than you mocking them with a happy face. I waited for her to finish her tirade, and she did so in such a fantastic fashion to allow me to hit the ball out of the park. Her last words were, “I’m not some circus sideshow freak!” I laughed in her face uncontrollably. I looked past her enormous, injected lips into her cold, dead eyes and said, “You’re out of your fucking mind, lady. No, you’re not a circus sideshow freak. You’re the entire fucking circus. The lion tamer, the clowns, the guy selling popcorn! You shove shit up your ass. So let’s not bullshit ourselves and call it art.” And with that I said, “good day.” I SAID, “GOOD DAY!” Me and the Mrs went directly to the bar and got loaded, laughing about how absurd some people are.

Wow, dude…(Cough) So you hang out with pro-skaters a lot for your show, Adventures with Chris. That’s cool. (Refer to above question)

You are correct. It is cool.

Chris Nieratko, on the case

What’s your favorite part of any of your jobs?

The blow jobs i get for washing the dishes. You’ve never seen a man move so quick to wash dishes! And we have a fucking dishwasher!

You have two great-lookin’ children, and a smoking hot wife. All three of these people are named Chris. Your name is also Chris. Does this ever get confusing? How will you guys deal with it when the kids get older?

Hopefully when the kids get older, they will move out into the world where there wont be as many Chris’s in the room. But perhaps not. Once we had 12 Chris’s in my Ford Explorer. We gave everyone numbers. As for confusion now? No. it’s great. You yell, “CHRIS!” and everyone looks. You get everyone’s attention. And as I get older it helps to not have to remember that many names.

Your book, Skinema, is pretty unbelievable. I didn’t know anyone could be that much of an interesting, witty, gross jerk. Can you give us an excerpt of one of your favorite stories from that?

I don’t know that the stories are that special in my book. They’re the typical “man is a drug addict and bangs a girl who does too much coke and turns blue during anal sex and falls on the ground dead and the man has to revive her and dump her body at the emergency room entrance” type stories. Same as everyone else.

Any projects in the works for the future?

Your mouth. I mean, yes. A number. I can’t keep up. I need more children to help me write them. Vice is finally airing my Skinema porn docu-comedy show, and i need to finish the episodes with porn great, Belladonna. They also want to turn my book into a scripted TV show. And in September i’m going to Portugal for 3 weeks to write my second book, a parenting guide. A very awful parenting guide. It’ll be contraceptive that gives you paper cuts.

Chris Nieratko currently (and forever) resides in New Jersey. Check out his VICE column, Meet The Nieratkos, his show, SKINEMA, his website, or just follow him on Twitter and secretly stalk him. None of these things can confidently be labeled as Safe for Work, even a little bit. All photos were taken from http://www.chrisnieratko.com/.