As Impeachment Proceedings Continue, Some Suggestions for The GOP

by Willem Frankenfort

Impeachment proceedings have officially begun. From now on I will celebrate November 13th as Impeachment Day, Novemberteenth if you will. If the rest of the testimony is even half as damning as what we’ve already seen, we may yet wave goodbye to that syphilitic walrus we call a president a little bit early.

 I’m not sure which was more entertaining… The drag queen in the audience, serving up fishy realness like “Yaaaaas hunty, that’s a point of parliamentary procedure, boo”…? Watching the witnesses spill ALL the president’s tea with deadpan expressions? Schiff metaphorically giving the old grab, twist, pull to the presidential huevos? 

I suppose the absolute funniest part of this whole process was watching Republicans try their hardest to discredit lifetime government servants and failing miserably. One could almost picture shit emojis coming from their mouths as their case shriveled away like arctic ice from under the feet an emaciated polar bear. I almost felt bad for them. Almost.

Already from day one, testimony has established a timeline, an exchange, and that crimes were committed at the direction of the president. First the GOP tried to discredit the witnesses, who look like the neighbors that phone in a noise complaint on a house party at two in the afternoon. When it was established that they’re about as radical as a PB&J on Wonder Bread, the tactics became downright bizarre. They began at “there was no quid pro quo”, moving to “okay there was a quid pro quo but the president wasn’t involved”, to “But Joe Biden tho”, and ended up at “hey, but they did release the aid after they got caught. Doesn’t that count for something?”

Watching the GOP and their clusterfuck of sub-par lawyering in the president’s defense was truly a marvel to see. With Trump out as vehemently opposed to any defense that includes admitting any wrongdoing whatsoever, they seem to have exhausted their best tricks, procedural complaints and lying. It makes me wonder what sort of nonsensical horseshit they intend to use for the rest of the proceedings.

Let’s speculate. 

They could take a cue from their favorite soap operas and claim the president has an evil twin.

Also known as “The Shaggy Defense” (“It wasn’t me…”), this old standard could work very well with unemployed Midwesterners, grandmothers, and people that run sexual orientation reprogramming camps but can’t go without “their stories”. Donald Trump didn’t order his team to extort political favors from the Ukraine, it was his brother Ronald. Obviously the Democrats hired this previously unknown twin brother to impersonate the president so he could be framed.

They could just start openly weeping during the testimony and hope it drowns out the incriminating information.

Every time an official opens their mouth, a loud wail floods the halls of Congress. Just let it out like someone tried to tax your trust fund, guys. It’s not obstruction. You’re just expressing your feelings.

They could blame it on Melania.

Evangelicals love blaming things on women. It’s in chapter one of their favorite book! That jezebel led her husband astray. She was the mastermind behind the entire scandal. Trump was busy golfing that day. 

They could plead insanity.

Easily the most valid possible defense of this president, all they have to do is prove that the president is mentally incompetent. That way we can avoid weeks of testimony and Article 25 the son of a bitch. To be fair, he probably has enough mental disorders to pull this one off. 

They could admit their party chose a bad president in good faith, and hold him accountable for his criminal acts. 

Republicans have been intellectually disingenuous trolls since the late fifties. We all know they’re behind the times for change. Obama had Jay Z. Trump has Ted Nugent. Like their musical tastes, the GOP is about forty years behind the rest of us. So they’re ripe for a rebrand.

They could decide, as the public learns more about the Ukraine scandal, that they should come clean and withdraw support for this president. Imagine, instead of dying on the raggedy orange hill that the Trump presidency, being reborn as new conservatives. Conservatives that actually possess the ethics and morals they’ve always claimed to be the core of their ideology. They won’t… but they could.