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Open Relationships Are The New Black

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When I first asked my fiancée out we were in the middle of a flea market in South Jersey. Our relationship began next to a table covered in bongs for sale. In that moment we made two things clear to each other: 1) If the relationship didn’t work out we’d still be friends and 2) we could fuck anyone else we wanted.

There are no predetermined rules you need to follow to be in a relationship. None. Every relationship is simply a balancing act of each other’s standards and expectations. You can fill out all the questions every dating app has to offer and the person you ‘match’ with will still probably be a waste of your time. Now, thanks to unlimited data plans you can ‘match’ different people all day long and play guess the catfish.

No algorithm will tell you if the person you’re talking to is going to be unfaithful. No algorithm can prepare you for the fuck-ton of baggage some of us drag from one relationship to the next. Algorithms are a lie because people lie. We lie about what we really want and about what will really satisfy us. We’re conditioned to look for ‘the one’ but sometimes ‘the one’ isn’t texting you back and you’re horny and well… they’ve got an app for that.

Love songs and movies based on Nicholas Sparks’ books might make you believe in true love everlasting but there’s still a chance that someone else is secretly giving your boyfriend a blowjob while you’re in the theater getting all weepy thinking about him.

Every person who cheats is basically in an open relationship but their partner just doesn’t know it. How many people lie about working late so they can sneak in a bootycall? I don’t have to lie about that. I just need to show my fiancée all the pictures I took. If your relationship isn’t based solely on sex then sex won’t be the thing that destroys it.

Don’t get me wrong. There are plenty of relationships where the couple never seeks sex with anyone else. They’re called grandparents. Kidding. Mostly. If you’re with someone who shares your values and standards and that includes monogamy, that’s awesome. Being honest about what you want and having that reflected in your partner is wonderful. I’m not encouraging anyone to cheat. I just want people to be honest.

Having an open relationship doesn’t demean the love you have for your partner. It also doesn’t mean that you’re meeting up with strangers in seedy hotel rooms (or maybe you are you little slut). Sometimes it just means that I bring home a twink that calls us both daddy. It’s our boat and this is what floats it.

My relationship will never be the same as yours or anyone else’s. I was friends with benefits with my fiancée for 16 years before we decided to add hand holding to all the sucking and fucking we’d been doing for a decade and a half. I recognize that’s not typical but it’s why we work.

We all have that friend that fills our newsfeed with pictures of their boyfriend/girlfriend and goes on and fucking on about how amazing they are until the one day the relationship status changes and we all get to read the dramatic passive aggressive updates about liars and cheaters. Sounds like somebody wasn’t honest with somebody else.

It feels weird coming out of the open relationship ‘closet’ but I think it’s important to challenge people’s notions of what’s ‘normal’. I don’t presume to know what anyone else’s relationship is like. From the outside you could be the most boring married couple but for all I know you’ve got a BDSM dungeon in your basement and you buy lube by the gallon. That’s not for me but it’s cool. Do you.

I hope everyone is happy with whatever relationship they choose to have. I hope you’re happy if you stay single. Whatever you do just be honest. Be authentic. Do you.

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Joe DeLong - NYC Editor

Joe DeLong - NYC Editor

Former stand up comic, radio show host, mayoral candidate and fetish webcam model. Now I'm the male equivalent of a crazy cat lady.