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A Huge List Of Things To Do If You’re Not Going To Burning Man 2018

Image: Hawaii Savvy via Flickr and Michael Fraley via Flickr

Your friends’ Burning Man posts are already fricking relentless on Facebook, and you’re that sad-sack who’s not going. Well don’t trip! Turns out San Francisco and Oakland bars and stores are still open regular hours during Burning Man, and tons of wack events are scheduled in the Bay Area from August 25 – September 3. The Broke-Ass Borg has your itinerary covered with this handy list of things to do if your friends are at Burning Man, so you don’t get FOMO while those mofos are out partying on the playa.

We’ve listed each week-of-Burning Man 2018 event chronologically by date below, with a whole bunch of Bay Area options for every day you’re not out on the playa. But if we missed any good ones, burn us on it in the comments section! We’ll radically include new suggestions as the week goes on.

Image: Masonite Burn via Flickr

SATURDAY, AUGUST 25

Roller Derby Championship Double Header

Bay Area Derby’s “20SkateTeen” season culminates in this 7:15 p.m. championship match between the Oakland Outlaws and the San Francisco ShEvil Dead, preceded by a 5 p.m. match between the Berkeley Resistance and the Sonoma County Roller Derby, with all the bone-crushing action going down at the Palace of Fine Arts. (Tickets here)

Body TABOO Defiance at the Shelton Theater

Dottie Lux’s Red Hots Burlesque presents its new Saturday Midnight show incarnation Body TABOO Defiance, this week featuring 2016 Miss Gay United States Bionka Simone, Toronto drag king Flare, the radiant Voodonna Black Zoe Zojob, and The Stripping Granny. (Tickets here).

Legend of the Barbary Coast (Charity Scavenger Hunt)

This Gold Rush-themed scavenger hunt is an urban adventure that pits teams or individuals into a zany gotta-find-’em-all puzzle solving competition that’s also a benefit for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. (Tickets here and use promo code BAS15 for discount $15 tickets!)

Speakeasy Ales & Lagers 21st Anniversary Epic Bash

Beloved local brewery Speakeasy celebrates its 21st year with live bands and local-legend collaborators Philz Coffee, Dandelion Chocolate, Humphrey Slocombe, and a whole bunch more for a big ol’ eat and drink down with live music from The HelltonesMad Mama and the Bona Fide Few, and Sweetwater Black. (Tickets here).

YES on C! Our City Our Home Campaign Kickoff & Lit Drop

The critically important November ballot measure to address the San Francisco homeless crisis is beginning its campaign, so join hundreds of fired-up volunteeers in Dolores Park at 11 a.m. for speeches, snacks and refreshments, and then dropping campaign literature at doors around the Mission District.

Lady Bird Free Screening at Washington Square Park

Launch Party for Legs and the Two-Ton Dick

TreasureFest – Dog Days of Summer

The Future is in Eggs  at the Shelton Theater

Godzilla Night 7: A Monstrous Weekend!

Secret Improv Society at the Shelton Theater

Non Stop Bhangra: India Independence Day Party

Cheaper Than Therapy at the Shelton Theater

SUNDAY, AUGUST 26

Godzilla Night 7: A Monstrous Weekend!

A marathon of Godzilla movies awaits all day Saturday and Sunday at the Balboa Theater with Shin Godzilla (2016), Mothra (1964) and the battle of the century King Kong vs Godzilla (1962), plus prizes and toy dealers Kong’s Cave of Collectibles and Vinyl Kaiju Legion onhand. (Tickets here)

Unite for Justice: Bay Area to #StopKavanaugh

This motherfucker. Brett Kavanaugh’s appointment to the Supreme Court would be a Trumpian death blow to abortion access and LGBTQ rights, so gather at 1pm at Civic Center and do your part to derail this appointment from our criminal co-conspirator president

Les Miserables at The Orpheum

It’s the last day of the show’s run! As of press time there are still, like, four tickets available.

Swagger Like Us: Queercation

KUSF Rock’n’Swap

OysterFest 2018 at Waterbar

Cheaper Than Therapy at the Shelton Theater

Presidio Picnic

The Future is in Eggs  at the Shelton Theater

MONDAY, AUGUST 27

Monday Night Hubba at DNA Lounge with Jonbenet Butterbuns & The Stripping Granny

It’s Ava Lanche‘s birthday show, and Monday Night Hubba at the DNA Lounge celebrates with JonBenet ButterbunsBo Vixxen, The Stripping Granny, and more. Plus you get free admission to Death Guild afterward! (Thunderdome not included.) Tickets here.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? at the Castro Theatre

Smashing Pumpkins at Oracle Arena

 

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28

Won’t You Be My Neighbor? at the Castro Theatre

This summer’s unlikely cinematic hit is the engaging documentary about goody two-shoes kid show host Fred Rogers, a film which I shit you not has a 99% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Safer Inside Demonstration at Glide Memorial Church

Rob Zombie & Marilyn Manson at Concord Pavilion

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29

Safer Inside Demonstration at Glide Memorial Church

As San Francisco prepares to open safe injection facilites, Glide Memorial Church hosts interactive displays, guided tours, and speaker panels to explain how these overdose prevention sites will work and why they’re crucial for supporting disenfranchised communities. Though registration is sold out, space has been set aside on each tour for walk-ins. Additionally, Mayor Breed will hold a press conference after Wednesday morning’s tour on August 29th at 11:30 at Boeddeker Park “to share her vision for addressing the opioid epidemic by providing critical overdose prevention services to residents of San Francisco.” (Registration and information here)

Midge Ure & Paul Young at MEZZANINE

80s synthpop fans will not want to miss the return of Thin Lizzy and Ultravox frontman Midge Ure, playing at the Mezzanine.

Cole and Young Thug at Oracle Arena

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30

Black Panther: Waterfront Flicks at Jack London Square

You know we love dressing up to watch Black Panther! Party like it’s “Oakland, California: 1992” at this 8 p.m. free screening at Jack London Square of 2018’s biggest hit movie.

DJ Sep at NightLife (California Academy of Sciences)

This week’s Thursday night Cal Academy of Sciences NightLife is a “spotlight is on climate change,” which sounds depressing but also features a sneak preview of the mindblowing exhibit Coal + Ice that’s coming to Fort Mason for September’s SF Green Film Festival, the comedy of Will Durst, and the turntable stylings of Dub Mission‘s DJ Sep. (Tickets here)

Safer Inside Demonstration at Glide Memorial Church

Presidio Twilight

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31

Off the Grid: Fort Mason Center 2018

26 different food trucks pull up at one of the most scenic Off The Grid locations for a Friday night happy hour feast featuring craft cocktails, beer and wine and I am guessing probably a DJ. (Tickets here)

Write a Letter to Make It the Emperor Norton Bridge in 2019

This website is 100% on board with the campaign to add “Emperor Norton Bridge” as an honorary name for the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge, and the Emperor’s Bridge Campaign proclaims this as a day of intention to write your state senators and assemblypeople in support of making it happen. The campaign has even provided a handy form letter and your elected officials’ contact information to make this easy for you.

Safer Inside Demonstration at Glide Memorial Church

Ledisi and Goapele at the Fox Theater

Secret Improv Society at the Shelton Theater

Sing-Along The Little Mermaid at Castro Theatre  

Cheaper Than Therapy at the Shelton Theater

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

The San Francisco Rosé Soirée

SPARK Social SF  is pouring rosé all day with bottomless house-made rosé sangrias plus the requisite collection of food trucks, lawn games, DJs, a flower-wall photo booth, and lounging mats. Gingham, pink, and seersuckeer attire is highly encouraged, and you get a free commemorative rosé all day glass! (Tickets here.)

Go BANG! Celebrates Sylvester! At The Stud

Labor of Love Music Festival

Cheaper Than Therapy at the Shelton Theater

Come see a Greenpeace Ship in San Francisco! (Free)

Secret Improv Society at the Shelton Theater

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

Cheaper Than Therapy at the Shelton Theater

Cheaper Than Therapy has been packing the house for more then five years with a raucous array of standup comedians featuring Jon Allen, Eloisa Bravo, Scott Simpson, and likely some drunken piano-fiending karaoke after the show. (Tickets here, get ’em fast as it usually sells out!)

 

Strike Out Hunger Day at AT&T Park (Giants vs. Mets)

The SF-Marin Food Bank and Sysco are taking on hunger when the Giants are taking on the New York Mets (1:10 p.m.). Get a free commemorative string backpack for the donation of $5 or five cans of food, and it all goes to the one in four people in San Francisco and Marin  who live at risk of hunger.

Dub Mission at Elbo Room

Dub Mission’s annual Labor Day celebration welcomes local reggae and dancehall legend Robert Rankin to the Elbo Room along with DJ Sep and Maneesh the Twister for Dub Mission on a Sunday night, just like the old days. (Tickets here)

Free Sunday at the Asian Art Musuem

SF Zinefest

Swagger Like Us Presents MHYSA

SF Mime Troupe Free Show in Dolores Park

Sing-Along The Little Mermaid at Castro Theatre  

Presidio Picnic

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3

16th Annual Cowgirl Palooza

The El Rio Labor Day BBQ tradition blazes into its 16th year, with an all-day lineup of ironic and non-ironic country artists Valerie Jay, Crying Time, the Muddy Roses, and Velvetta. As with any Monday at El Rio, the Tecates are only $2! ($10 at the door)

SF Mime Troupe Free Show in Dolores Park

Monday Night Hubba at DNA Lounge with Sinister Twist: Arcadia Kane’s Birthday Bash

Sing-Along The Little Mermaid at Castro Theatre 

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.