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Customs Officials Confiscating All Trump Piñatas So Trump Can “Keep Them For Himself”

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If you’ve noticed a lack of Donald Trump piñatas on Mission Street lately, there’s a reason for it: the Acting Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection (CBP) has directed all his agents to confiscate them at the border. In an interview with BAS, Acting Commissioner Mark A. Morgan said, “The order came down from the top. President Trump wants to keep all the piñatas for himself.”

According to anonymous sources in the White House, President Trump originally ordered their confiscation because he was furious that “his subjects” wanted to bash his face in with a bat. One of those sources told BAS that “When the President first heard about the piñatas he threw a giant tantrum. It was during his midday McDonald’s luncheon and he started chucking cheeseburgers and Happy Meal toys at everyone in the room while screaming ‘Lock Them Up!'”.

Once President Trump saw one of the piñatas in person though he completely changed his mind. A different source in the White House told us that “When Acting Commissioner Morgan finally brought a piñata for the President to inspect, the President stopped what he was doing, picked up the piñata and started cooing at it and making baby noises.” The source went on to say the President Trump addressed the room and said, “Is this not the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen? I love me!”

Earlier this morning President Trump conducted a press conference from the White House Rose Garden announcing his new policy. He had one of the piñatas with him.

“I’m tired of looking around the room and seeing ugly people,” President Trump told the gathered press. “I’m obviously the best looking person in America or else I wouldn’t have been made President. So I told Mark Morgan, who’s a fine man by the way – not as handsome as me, but a hell of a guy – I told Mark Morgan that I don’t want any of these little me’s making it across the border. I want them all for myself.”

A source close to the President has confirmed that President Trump now brings a piñata with him to all meetings and makes the attendees kiss the piñata before addressing  him.

As President Trump mentioned four times during the press conference “I just love these little me’s! They’re always the second most beautiful thing in the room. After me of course. I’m the most beautifulest.”

This entire article is satire…probably.

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Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Broke-Ass Stuart - Editor In Cheap

Stuart Schuffman, aka Broke-Ass Stuart, is a travel writer, poet, TV host, activist, and general shit-stirrer. His website is one of the most influential arts & culture sites in the San Francisco Bay Area and his freelance writing has been featured in Lonely Planet, Conde Nast Traveler, The Bold Italic, and too many other outlets to remember. His weekly column, Broke-Ass City, appears every other Thursday in the San Francisco Examiner. Stuart’s writing has been translated into four languages. In 2011 Stuart created and hosted the travel show Young, Broke, and Beautiful on IFC and in 2015 he ran for Mayor of San Francisco and got nearly 20k votes.

He's been called "an Underground legend": SF Chronicle, "an SF cult hero":SF Bay Guardian, and "the chief of cheap": Time Out New York.