The 10 Kinds of People You See on Dating Apps During COVID
Humanity has endured many historic events that have perpetually changed the way we live our lives. September 11th. The fall of the Berlin Wall. TikTok. But throughout it all, one thing has prevailed: the desire to get it on. Despite a national pandemic preventing people from their usual mating ritual of drunkenly hooking up after a sloppy and boozy night at the bar, dating apps are reporting even more engagement than ever before. From wildly unoriginal COVID pickup lines to sexy mask selfies, here are the 10 kinds of people you’ll see while you’re swiping:
The One That Thinks They’re Funny
I get it – it’s tough to stand out in an overly saturated digital environment where you can be written off with the flick of a finger. But the “seeking a girl/boyfriend for the end of the world” pickup line is dead (albeit much more relevant these days), and believe me – no one wants to help you cut your hair.
The One That Has No Idea What the Hell is Going On
TBH, no one really has any idea what’s happening; it feels like just yesterday that we thought only older people were at risk and that the whole thing started from a bowl of bat soup. My threshold for ignorance only goes so far, though – that fishnet mask isn’t cute, and it’s definitely not federally regulated PPE, honey.
The One Who Puts it All Out There
This new normal means our conventional methods of online dating need to adapt to the backdrop of COVID. Being open about your antibodies status actually embodies a behavior I think is better post-pandemic. Imagine if people also shared their emotional hang-ups and relationship skeletons freely on their profile?
The One That Doesn’t Give a Shit
Yeah, the pandemic sucks, and we all miss our family/friends/hugs/not waiting in line to get into the grocery store – but it’s assholes like you that are keeping us in this hell hole. Swipe left for people who decided COVID regulations don’t apply to them.
The One That Started an Exciting New Hobby
First there was the Tiger King phase, then bread-making, followed by starting podcasts and hoarding toilet paper. We have all the time in the world, so why not pick up that fun hobby you always meant to try – you might find a new passion (or sexual orientation!).
The One That Really Wants You to Know They Still Work Out
In a world where most of us are getting less than 1,000 steps a day, I must admit that it’s pretty impressive you’ve got shredded abs and toned glutes—but there’s just something kind of thirsty about insisting how much you miss the gym in your profile. Hopefully, your personality extends beyond your Peloton, but hey—I’m sure there’s plenty of people who are into that.
The One That’s Too Cool to be on a Dating App
You see these types all the time – they’re only on this dating app because they’re bored/their friend made their profile/they literally can’t leave their house. Because nothing is more attractive than being someone’s only option!
I’ve seen many different flavors of relationship drama to come from quarantine: the couple that moved way too fast, the one that stayed together because, “what else is there to do?”, and of course, the straight-up cheater. Way to take super-spreading to a new level, douchebag.
The Thirst Trap (with a Pandemic Twist)
Hey boy, are you a middle school dance? Because I want to stand six feet away from you and awkwardly try to get your attention while I cover up the zit on my face.
What’s sexier than someone who gives all their time and energy to helping curb coronavirus on the front lines of this dumpster fire? Bonus: They can probably bump you up the line and hook you up with a vaccine shot.