Satire/Humor/Comedy

CDC Urges Social Distancing From Entire State of Florida

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District of Columbia, US –  In effort to slow the spread of coronavirus in the greater United States the CDC announced April 1st that it recommends all other states to ‘distance themselves from Florida’.

A CDC spokesperson told the press Thursday, “Statistics show that a majority of Covid infections are occurring in the state of Florida, along with an unusually high infection rate of Qanon conspiracies and crystal meth use,” the spokesmen said, “Therefore it is the CDC’s recommendation that the entire state of Florida be quarantined for everyone’s safety.”

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Starting today, anyone entering the state of Florida will be stopped and asked a series of questions before being let into the state,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci, “they will be asked whether or not they feel sick and whether or not they believe that ‘pizza gate’ happened.”  Fauci continued, “if they answer ‘yes’ to either question they are let into Florida but never let out.”

“If you are trying to leave Florida you will have to test negative for covid, crystal meth, and pass the same test for idiots that Donald Trump took during office,” continued the CDC spokesmen, “and if you came to Florida specifically to ‘party for Spring Break’ during the pandemic, then we cannot help you, you are stuck there forever.”

Happy April FOOLS DAY!  And remember, when it’s your turn, take the fucking vaccine.


 

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Alex Mak - Managing Editor

Alex Mak - Managing Editor

I'm the managing editor here at Broke-Ass Stuart. I enjoy covering Bay Area News as well as writing about Arts, Culture & Nightlife.

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