NewsPoliticsSatire/Humor/ComedySF Bay Area

SF’s 2022 Ballot, Redesigned for the Modern Voter

The Bay's best newsletter for underground events & news

Editor’s Note: This ballot is obviously very satirical.

February 15th

Who do you want for Assessor-Recorder?

[ ] The only person running.

[ ] Whoever has the wackiest endorsements.

[ ] Make a robot do this job.


What about State Assembly?

[ ] State Assembly? Let’s take a break from that.

[ ] The guy with the bow tie.

[ ] David Chiu.


Do you want to recall three members of the School Board?

[ ] Yes.

[ ] No.

[ ] Isn’t one of them a racist or something? Maybe just her.

[ ] Half stay, half go.

[ ] Pass, but I want retroactive voting privileges if I ever have kids.


April 19th

There might be a runoff for State Assembly. What say you?

[ ] The candidate whose first name is alphabetically closest to my own.

[ ] David Chiu.


June 7th

Do you want to recall DA Chesa Boudin?

[ ] Yes.

[ ] No.

[ ] Hold on, let me check my car.

[ ] I like their sourdough bread bowls.


And who do you want for State Assembly? For real this time.

[ ] See above.

[ ] Another robot.


November 8th

Who do you want for Assessor-Recorder now? Just checking.

[ ] See above.

[ ] Wait. After careful consideration, I’ve completely changed my mind.


Oops, there might be another runoff for State Assembly. Yes, the same State Assembly as all the other times.

[ ] -_-


There’s a US Senate seat up for grabs, plus two for the House.

[ ] Literally anyone but Nancy Pelosi.

[ ] Literally anyone but Shahid Buttar.


If you’re in an even-numbered district, you’ll need to choose a Supervisor.

[ ] I think I live in District 7?

[ ] Aaron Peskin is a Supervisor, right? Let’s go with him.

[ ] Whoever tweets the most.


City Attorney? Community College Board? Public Defender? BART Director?

[ ] Please stop.

[ ] Robots all around.


Almost done!

Specify your ballot processing preferences (check all that apply).

[ ] Discard my ballot if it could break a tie. I don’t want that on my conscience.

[ ] If a candidate I chose ever gets canceled on social media, change my ballot accordingly.

[ ] Trash my ballot and just count my partner’s twice. (If my partner also chooses this option, trash both our ballots.)


Is there anything else you’d like to say?

[ ] I’m only doing this for the sticker.

[ ] I’m high.

[ ] I’d rather not say.

Note from Stuart: This ballot is obviously very satirical. If you want to know the BAS endorsements for the February election please check out The League of Pissed Off Voters as we agree with them. The author of this piece, Natalie Mead, has made no endorsements whatsoever.

Like this article? Make sure to sign up for our mailing list so you never miss a goddamn thing!
Previous post

Cafe Du Soleil Is Coming Back To Lower Haight!

Next post

Letters From A Teenage Addict

Natalie Mead

Natalie Mead

Natalie began her career at a tech company, but she has since seen the light and absconded with enough free t-shirts to last a lifetime. Now, she writes for The SF Minute and a smattering of other local news outlets.