How To Mind Your F*cking Manners on Muni
Not to sound like an old fart, but it feels like the fabric of civilized society is fraying to threads. And nowhere is that more apparent than on Muni.
I understand—other people are hard. But in this day and age, with so many claiming some form of social illiteracy, it’s more important than ever to maintain a modicum of civility, god dammit. I know some of you are new, or enjoy acting like it. So I think it’s time we as a class briefly review how to conduct ourselves on the bus.
Like fancy cutlery on the RMS Titanic, we’ll start from the outside and work our way in.
No rushing to board before riders can exit.
Do you think that bus is going to peel out with you half-in the back door? Because it won’t. If you see people waiting to get off the bus that just pulled up, I’m glad you were paying attention. Just let those people off first. I swear to whatever God you pray to, the driver saw you waiting and will not take off without you.
Sometimes you drift off for a sec. Poof, you’re in your own world. Everyone does it. Daydreaming turns into ignorance however when you bring your bubble onto the bus and into everybody’s way. Remember, doors also open to let people out. They’re also made with glass—you can see if there are people waiting to get off the bus. But it won’t help anyone if you’re not paying attention.
Take the damn seat.
I see tourists as well as locals make this mistake, intending to leave seats available for seniors and people with disabilities. (Did you hear that last part in Muni voice?) Although well-intended, it doesn’t help anyone to occupy standing room and block the seat you’re standing in front of. It helps to leave the aisle clear while the bus fills up. Then, if you meet someone who could really use your seat, offer it to them.
Seats are for people only!
It’s inconsiderate to take more than one seat, particularly when the bus is getting full. They aren’t there to hold your bags, your feet, or your pets (dogs on Muni is a whole other rant). If someone has to ask you to move your shit, you’re doing it purposefully or you aren’t paying attention. And if you don’t pay attention, you’re asking to get robbed.
On a similar note, don’t think you’ll get away with taking the aisle seat because you don’t want to share. I no longer care about taking the high road. I and a growing number of riders getting tired of your bullshit will take that seat and make a point of waving their ass in your face doing it. Muni is public transit. You want a private ride, call a cab.
Standing? Don’t collect near the doors.
I see plenty of folks board the bus and just stand there right beside the doors. Subsequent riders must then squeeze past, especially if that person is carrying a backpack (more below). I’ve seen those same obstacles present themselves unmoving as often the same riders attempt to get off the bus. People miss their stops because other people simply won’t get out of the way. It quickly becomes a problem on crowded lines like the 38-Geary and 28-Sunset. When you board the bus, choose a seat or move towards the rear or middle, away from the doors. Watching riders cluster by the doors feels like watching cholesterol accumulate in vital arteries.
Please remove your backpack.
I have been guilty of this one. Tech nerds made it “fashionable” to carry backpacks again, God’s eternal children that they are. I used a messenger bag until my spine started feeling like a young tree incorrectly staked to the ground. Until then, I was rocking that hipster side-bag swag. It was easier to keep it attached to my body while seated, which made it harder to steal. Nowadays I sit with my backpack on my lap, arms threaded through the straps to anchor it down.
And if I’m standing? I’ll do that weird baby Bjorn thing with my backpack and wear it on my front.
I’m imagining some smartass: Well if I wear my backpack on my front, does it not overshadow the same spatial area? No you fucking nerd, area is secondary to how you use it. No sane person will slither into the air immediately in front of you on Muni. We call this personal space. Even on an overly crowded bus, people will leave you about enough room to fold your arms—perfect for your backpack. You can stand back-to-back with a stranger and it won’t be anywhere as weird.
And wear some fucking headphones.
No one thinks your taste in music is as cool as you do. Keep it to yourself. There’s no paragraph, no argument, no heads and tails corresponding. Just a politeness most normal people practice. That said, if you’re convinced everybody else must hear what you’re listening to, you’re probably not concerned with manners. It’s amazing how people can treat the bus like it’s their living room. The bus is not the place to argue with your man on speaker phone, blast your choicest tunes, or smoke ____. Let people ride in what little peace they can afford here.
Did I miss anything? Wanna drop a suggestion/ask a question/say, Hey Jake, go fuck yourself? Send us an email! We live to hear you grumble.
Howdy! My name is Katy Atchison and I'm an Associate Editor for Broke-Ass Stuart.
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