The Best Waterproof Mascaras for Constantly Crying Seasonal Depressives

by Laurie Riihimaki

‘Tis the season for holiday cheer, or should I say tears? For some, this time of year can be heavy with seasonal depression brought on by toxic family get-togethers, dreaded semester finals, literally darker days, and holiday weight brought on by grandma’s famous pecan pie and mac ‘n cheese. 

Behold the harbinger of your destruction

But just because you’re crying doesn’t mean you have to be ugly! Ugly-crying will only send you deeper into seasonal depression as you look into the mirror dramatically, tears streaming down your alcohol-infused cheeks after you excuse yourself from the table because Aunt Midge asked once again why you don’t have a boyfriend.  

So instead of looking like a hysterical raccoon with big circles of mascara melting down your face, try one of these waterproof mascaras, perfect for the constant-crier! 

Too Faced Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara

Too Faced’s Better Than Sex Waterproof Mascara is just as amazing as the original non-waterproof option. It’s a total fan-favorite and for good reason! Its full brush creates bold thick lashes that will have you looking like a damn marionette doll. 

And,= now that this rightly-named mascara is waterproof, it’s absolutely perfect to wear throughout cuffing season. Now you can cry pretty when you think about how you screwed Brad from accounting after drinking too much of the office party holiday punch. 

Look, he’s cuter after a liter of punch, okay?

And you can also cry pretty when Brad tells all the guys at the office and they obnoxiously whistle at you when you walk by their cubicles. 

And then you can also cry pretty when Brad’s wife comes in raging and attacks you with a stapler after she found out about her husband’s adulterous behavior.

And then you can cry pretty when the cops arrive at the violent office dispute and ask you to tell them what happened. 

Really, this mascara can get you out of a lot of trouble. It’s a total lifesaver. Nobody trusts an ugly-crier. But a pretty one, they’ll always take pity on!

Chanel Inimitable Waterproof Mascara

Chanel’s Inimitable Waterproof Mascara is a make-up artist’s choice for a mascara that will stay in place no matter how many tears are falling. Its brush works great to promote volume without any clumps. 

Speaking of clumps, lumps, and bumps, this mascara is the number one defense for those devastating weight comments family members like to lay on us during the holidays.

You don’t want Uncle Lou to know that you’re crying because he commented on how you “put on a few pounds.”

Better Lou talk about your weight than share his opinions on the Jews, at least

That would only heighten the already stressful holiday get-together that seriously no one even wants to be at.

 It’s best to hide your tears, suck it up, and suck it in, so no one else comments on how your stomach has more rolls than the dinner table. 

Maybelline Lash Discovery Waterproof Mascara

Maybelline Lash Discovery Waterproof Mascara defines your lashes in a few simple strokes. And, it’s a great formula to layer for thicker bolder lashes. 

It’s also a contender for the best mascara to wear during your BFF’s NYE proposal. Are they happy tears or sad tears? You don’t even know!

Of course, you’re happy for Liz, but YOU were the one who was supposed to get engaged first. You and your BF have been together much longer than Liz and what’s-his-name. Seriously, she just met him in Barcelona last Spring and now they’re jumping into marriage?? 

give it a rest, Liz

Why aren’t you the one with the ring on your finger? Why aren’t you pretty enough to be a bride? Are you not ambitious enough to be his wife? Does he really hate it that much when you make him watch Gossip Girl reruns? Do you overcook the steak too often? There are so many reasons to cry tonight!

At least it’s NYE and there is plenty of champagne, so drink up and get hysterical in the coatroom until your BF finds you and carries you home. 

Covergirl Lash Blast Volume Waterproof Mascara

Covergirl Lash Blast Volume Waterproof Mascara is a drugstore gem. This approximately $7 mascara beats high-end brands hands-down. It is a definite go-to for anyone looking to add major volume without any clumps!

But, let’s talk about the real benefit of this mascara. It will hide any trace of your over-the-top meltdown when the delivery guy shows up to your door to bring you the insane amount of food you ordered to binge on the couch while watching “Breakfast At Tiffany’s” on repeat. 

Now, why would you go through the trouble of putting on mascara just to get a food delivery? Well, let me walk you through it. 

Can you also deliver me the approval I crave?

If you doll-up a little for the delivery guy, adding a few swipes of this dramatic mascara, and pairing it with a sexy dress and tights, it actually looks like you’re hosting an event. Tie some balloons up and make sure there are bottles of wine in plain sight, and a playlist humming in the background before opening the door to unmask your apartment. 

This facade will have him thinking you’re a “cool sexy girl” rather than an anxious bundle of girl tied together with an existential crisis. Because, of course, you care what everyone thinks of you, even the guy handling your pork lo mein. 

Dior Diorshow Waterproof Mascara

Dior’s Diorshow Waterproof Mascara is a top-shelf item. This mascara is used on runways, in catalogs, and luckily, you can find it at your local Sephora. This product sweeps on effortlessly and leaves lashes dark and bruting, just like your ex.

This Dior masterpiece product is ideal to swipe on when you’re texting James over and over again with no response. James has always been dark and complicated, so you understand he needs time to find himself. But, breaking up with you right before Valentine’s Day was super unexpected and totally messed up your plans to dress cute and be treated to a nice dinner. You were craving Italian!

James is probably busy brooding tonight

Who’s going to make you feel special now? 

After the tears have come and gone from the recent break-up, this mascara will have your face looking good as new! Perfect for spur of the moment Snapchat video sessions with guys you just met on Bumble. 

Sure, they just want to see your tits and ass, but a pretty mascara-free face couldn’t hurt to get you a last-minute Holiday date!