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Diabolical Valentine’s Day: Break Up Unhappy Couples

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Valentine’s Day is just a day away…oh, joy!

Nobody really knows why we claim Feb. 14 as the one special day of the year to express the love. If you look at different origin stories the holiday may be based on, it makes no sense at all that we choose that particular date for romance. Some believe it is a nod to murders of two different Roman dudes conveniently named Valentine on Feb. 14, and others think it may be based in part on another Roman freak fest, Lupercalia. In the festival’s two days between Feb. 13 and Feb. 15, people got drunk and naked, sacrificed goats, whipped and hit women (in the name of fertility, of course) and then pulled names of females from a jar to determine who got to “couple up” Roman-style. Sweet, huh?

Lupercalia celebration of whipping women. Illustration courtesy of Nova Roma

Somehow, we’ve arrived at a place where couples are forced to meet pressures of the day or pay the price, which often comes in the form of abstinence. Chocolate and roses have become the lovers’ cop out equivalent of thoughts and prayers and I’m not sure many people actually enjoy the ritual, with the exception of those obnoxious new relationship folks. Inevitably, restaurants will be packed with some eye gazing, kissy face twits who are so raptured with each other that they fail to recognize just how miserable they make others around them feel. But there will also be those tense couples out on the annual obligatory date night – they don’t want to be there, not with each other anyway, but they also know that not celebrating the holiday is pretty much admission of the end and they may not be quite ready to throw in that towel.

This Valentine’s Day, I propose we home in on those lackluster lovers and help push them right over the edge. We’d really be doing them a favor by helping them blow up bad relationships they’re too chicken shit to bow out of maturely. So, let’s rip off that Band-Aid! I’ve come up with a couple ideas to accomplish this mission as a jumping off point, but I know you diabolical devils out there can really take this to a whole new level. The only rules: don’t really physically or mentally hurt anyone and don’t pick on the happy people – there’s plenty of wretched to go around and finding them on Valentine’s Day is like fishing in a barrel.

Photo courtesy of Baeble Music

So, let’s start fishing with these two beautifully horrible ideas to set up the break up:

The Bar Stool Jezebel

First, make sure you own something truly skeezy and then make sure you wear it. I’m talking JLo-style plunge and 4-inch stilettos for the females out there, and if you are a male homewrecker, I guess just wear whatever it is you guys think makes you look sexy (by the way, you’re probably way off but give it your best shot). Next, find a nice restaurant with one of those classic long bars and sit down at a stool visible to the dining area. Next, you’ll pick a couple who look like they’ve had just about enough. You can tell by the way they blankly stare far too long at their menu to avoid looking directly at each other. Another tell is how quickly they pound their drinks while nodding and pretending to care about what their significant other is talking about.

Get the couple in your sights and start making eyes at one of them, too noticeably. For maximum impact, you can go for the full Sharon Stone leg scene in “Fatal Attraction.” After you’ve had your fun and can tell you’ve successfully created the tension you were trying for, grab a napkin and write a little message like, “Thank you, lover,” and ask the bartender to have it sent over with a drink right after you leave. That’s sure to spark an argument that just really needed to happen.

The Proposal

This one is a two-player game and goes straight for the douche bags out there who think it’s okay to string on their lovers while likely cheating and doing all the stuff douche bags do. You’ll notice this couple because one of them will look desperate for attention and the other will be winking at that Jezebel at the bar. You need to bring a ring for this trick because what you’re going to do is get as close to their table as possible and fake an over-the-top marriage proposal – get down on the knee and try for deal-making happy tears. Go on and on about how beautiful your other half is, how happy they make you and how you want to spend the rest of your life licking their feet – okay, maybe that’s a bit far, but you get the point.

When you’ve succeeded in grabbing all the attention in the room and get your partner to scream “Yes” and tongue fight you in public, make sure you lean over and hug the couple you’re aiming at with all smiles and finish it off with a “Isn’t love just amazing?”

The poor fool in that relationship is bound to see how uncomfortable the douche is and the beginning of the end ensues.

Whatever it is you choose to do, do it with all the gusto and take the mission seriously. This is a public service after all – there’s no room for error or half-assed attempts. Remember, you’re really doing them a favor and it sure beats sitting at home gorging on a box a chocolates you bought yourself.

To the happy couples, happy Valentine’s Day, I guess. To the rest of you, get out there and do some needed damage. Have fun, kids!

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Nik Wojcik - East Bay Editor

Nik Wojcik - East Bay Editor

Journalist, editor, student, single mom to a pack of wolves, foodie, music lover, resident smart ass, and champion of vulgarity and human kindness.