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Destruction of Christopher Columbus Statues, Ranked

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It’s Indigenous Peoples’ Day, which used to be known as C*lumbus D*y, and is currently observed all across both North America and South America. And how do we observe Indigenous Peoples’ Day across the continents of North and South America? By vandalizing and destroying those motherfucking statues of Christopher Columbus!

This party started around 2017, continues this year, and will continue into the future. Which city did the most thorough and commendable job of maiming or even completely destroying their Christopher Columbus statues? Scroll on, comrades, the results speak for themselves.

6. (TIE) HOUSTON PLUS EVERY OTHER THAT THREW RED PAINT ON IT

The simplest and most basic way to deface your city’s Christopher Columbus statue is to throw red paint on it. This is a great start, but unfortunately, can easily be cleaned off by city employees who are probably happy to get the holiday pay for doing so. It is crucial that you do more lasting damage to the statue.

5. THE BAHAMAS

The latest entry into our sweepstakes came this past Saturday in the Bahamas, where our friend above makes short work of Colmbus’ right leg, all by himself with a single sledgehammer.

4. ARICA, CHILE

One great way to destroy your city’s Christopher Columbus statue is to tear it down with 4×4 recovery straps and let the body parts fall where they may.

3. BOSTON

If you are going to intentionally remove a body part from Christopher Columbus, why not do like the folks in Boston, Massachusetts and behead him? The city permanently removed that statue after its beheading.

2. SAN FRANCISCO

Here in San Francisco, we’d been red-painting the Columbus statue next to Coit Tower for years. But in 2020, the city preemptively took it down in response to rumors that protesters planned to “pull down the Chrispher Columbus statue and throw it over Pier #31.” Remember, it is easier and more affordable to just talk the city into removing that statue for you!

1. BALTIMORE

Baltimore wins this competition, not only because they were one of the first cities to topple their own Columbus statue, carry it off, and throw it into the harbor — but also because of conservatives’ hi;latious failed attempt to revolver the statue from the harbor, which is seen in the video above,

Remember, if your town still has a Christopher Columbus statue, Indigenous Peoples’ Day 2022 will fall on Monday, October 10 next year.

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Joe Kukura- Millionaire in Training

Joe Kukura is a two-bit marketing writer who excels at the homoerotic double-entendre. He is training to run a full marathon completely drunk and high, and his work has appeared in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on days when their editors made particularly curious decisions.

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