Five Kinds of Dudes You Find on Dating Apps

I’ll give you a hint: it’s assholes. All assholes. The Internet allows us to meet a multitude of people that we normally wouldn’t see in our day-to-day life. However, it’s zero percent of the population that I actually would want to come in contact with.

Just a normal Wednesday traversing online dating.

1. Mr. Socially Awkward

From Odyssey

The caring and feeling part of me wants to say that I get it, meeting people is difficult if you’re an introvert. Maybe clubs and bars aren’t your scene. Or maybe you refuse to step outside unless you’re out of Oreos or your house is on fire. You don’t usually talk to people, so it’s easy to get a little rusty. But the self-serving part says that I sure as hell didn’t sign up for online dating because I didn’t feel tortured enough by inane conversation in my regular life. It’s a sad day when awkward silence is preferred over awkward conversation topics, such as “I want to know your D&D alignment,” “tell me about your sexual deviations,” or inaudible mumbles coupled with intense stares. Not that I’d really prefer either of those.

2. The Flat-Out Douchebag

What do you mean you won’t blow me in the bathroom?

It’s not a secret that a number of people surf dating apps looking for hookups. As long as you’re upfront and it’s consensual, you do you. However, this title is for the guy who tries to win an Oscar for his performance of “Man Who Actually Cares About What You Have To Say.” The one who knows you’re not looking for casual sex, so he pretends to be a human with actual feelings up until the moment when you turn down his oh so generous (and tempting) offer to blow him in the men’s bathroom. It’s alright, he’ll wait for the stall since he knows the scent of urinal cake is about a four, maybe five, on the romance scale. Next thing you know, you’re paying for his dinner and you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere vigorously jaywalking away from a drug-addled homeless man who is following you. Not that I speak from experience or anything.

3. The “Not-So-Smooth” Talker

Speaking of the c-word (consent, but the other one is also applicable), some guys just don’t get it. In both receiving and understanding. Who needs consent when you can wax eloquent like some kind of modern Cyrano? Start talking about all your dysfunctions and the panties are going to fly off like they’ve been rocketed to space. For some inexplicable reason, you sit through his 90 minute tirade about how most girls are sluts and how amazing it is to be white like it’s already the third date (the customary time to air bigotry out like a stained wife beater to dry). You know it’s time to call it quits when you’re awkwardly pressing your arms at your side, lest he think you’re even remotely interested in that hug, while he constricts himself around you repeating “why not? It’s just a kiss!” Again, not that I speak from experience or anything.

4. Exhibitionist Robots

I only have one thing to say to the creators of these bots: I want you to ask yourself why would I want to pay for access to some two-bit porno site when I’ve got at least 50 unsolicited dick pics waiting for me to unwrap like it’s Christmas in my inbox? For artificial intelligence, they’re not very intelligent. I’d rather take my chances with a pushy Roomba. At least he has manners.

5. Ghosts

You’ve waded through the cesspool, and huzzah, you’ve made it past losers one through five. Thank the baby Jeebus, you finally find someone with the potential to not be an idiot. He’s mildly attractive compared to everyone else you’ve swiped past, he didn’t list “beer pong champ” as an interest, and not once does he try to foist a dick pic on you. Then he just up and dies. Or maybe it’s because he found someone better two swipes later, but you’d rather not think about the depressing reality of the situation. Out of all of the different flavors of asshole, this has to be the worst. And just like that, you’re back to the undesirable bachelor behind door number one.