Self-Driving Car Almost Hits Pedestrian, So He Fights Back

Photo by James Conrad

By James Conrad

For about a couple years, we have been seeing white, futuristic Jaguar automobiles with a spinning thing on the top, under a plastic enclosure. I used to look upon these bizarre, Phildickian vehicles with puzzlement, but then I figured out that they are self-driving taxis.

More recently, I also learned that, like all newfangled technology, these machines – though far more benevolent than the wicked gadgets in a certain Stephen King movie – are only as smart as the people who build and program them.

Case in point, I was about to catch the bus home from the corner of Haight and Fillmore one damp, dreary Sunday night in early March 2023, when I saw one idling in the middle of the intersection, with a young man and his small dog on a leash standing alongside it.

As an amused crowd gathered to watch the standoff, I walked to the corner and asked the fellow with the dog what was going on.

“It cut me off in the crosswalk,” he said, gesturing toward the self-driving car. “This was an illegal left turn. So I’m going to annoy the robot. I like annoying robots. Fuck you, robot.”

Not long afterward, the car honked its horn and a disembodied, monotone computer voice said, “Unsafe behavior.”

This amused me for a few seconds, but then I saw a line of cars descending downhill and due east on Haight Street. Sure enough, there were exasperated honks and cries of “Go the fuck home.”

Photo by James Conrad

At this point, I began to see that the jape had begun to outlive its usefulness. Not only were the drivers coming down Haight Street getting annoyed, but a safety risk had been created. I said, “Is this actually helping? Isn’t your dog getting cold? This isn’t Tienanmen Square, you know.”

I then asked perhaps the most appropriate question of all, given both the matters at hand and the terrain of San Francisco – “Is this the hill you want to die on?”

“I don’t care. I got cut off in the crosswalk, so I’m just going to annoy the robot.”

HONK! “Unsafe behavior.”

“Compared to what? You cut me off in the crosswalk! Fuck you!”

I then said something to the effect that the machine doesn’t have enough of a conscience to react effectively to being taunted, and having seen enough, caught the next bus downtown.

Sure. I get that it is scary to be cut off at the crosswalk, as that puts any given pedestrian inches and seconds away from certain death. When a self-driving car is involved, I suppose I cannot help but think of Maximum Overdrive at least just a little. I also recognize the risk posed to the dog. On the other hand, it probably might be a more effective way to deal with the problem by telling Waymo, “Fuck you – strong letter to follow” and taking the obvious next step. At least that way, nobody has to get hurt, arrested or possibly killed.