By Charles Duggery

I’m perhaps San Francisco’s most eligible bachelor, I have my own rent controlled apartment that only has a slight hint of cat urine and moth balls and I can treat a lady to a home cooked meal thanks to my EBT food stamps, but just to hedge my bets I have tried and true methods to pick up babes of the bay area, I also want to clarify I am not a pick-up artist. I’ve never owned a fedora in my whole life. Except for that summer I was a in a ska band.

Puppies

Since I work at a veterinary clinic I have access to all the puppies I want; there is not a woman alive who can resist a cute little puppy. I usually pick one with a bandaged foot or something then I’ll hang out at Golden Gate Park and wait for the ladies to come to me, when they do I have to beat them off with a stick (not literally of course) sometimes I’ll bring two puppies with me and that’s when shit gets coo-coo bananas. Puppies are the cutest conversation starter there is and I usually make up a name for the dog like “Frida Kahlo” or something. Using a puppy to pick up women is fishing with dynamite. Don’t use monkeys, because you never know what those crazy fucks are going to do, I really had to learn that lesson the hard way.

Babies

Babies are usually a little bit more difficult to come by than puppies, there’s not a kennel any where with a bunch of caged babies you can pick from (I hope not anyway) but babies have twice the potency of puppies. I borrow my friend Dave’s baby all the time to pick up women, Once again I hang out at Golden Gate Park and make believe I’m a single dad; when the question comes up of where the babies mom is I say “she’s with the angels now” and improv an industrial accident to get the heart strings going.  Using a baby to pick up women is going fucking nuclear.

Turquoise Jewelry

The Native Americans were first to discover and harness the alluring power of turquoise jewelry; later pale faces like Jim Morrison popularized it; I have a dresser full of it I use when I’m stepping out at bars or eighties dance nights. When women see my turquoise rings and bolo ties its like game over, am I mystical shaman of some kind or just a stud? I’m both, baby!

Telescopes

I have a big ass telescope I drag to the front of the closest bar and fake that I know anything about science or astronomy, the ladies love a man that can point out a star and say “That’s the Andromeda strain” or some shit like that and it helps that telescopes are very phallic.  All you have to do is stand next to a telescope in a corduroy jacket and say “ I have a passion for science” and before you know it knees start buckling with anticipation, do you think Neil Degrasse Tyson really gives a shit about science? Fuck no! He’s in it for the ladies.

The Marina Safeway

The marina Safeway (aka) the “Dateway” is where it’s at for meeting desperate rich women, all you have to do is pick up a pint of ice cream and a box of condoms and wait around the liquor aisle for a snow fox to pounce on you; and since most of these women are rich and lonely maybe they’ll take YOU to dinner. You’ll get more pelt then a Canadian fur trapper; though the last time I did this I got a scorching case of the clap, but like Kurt Vonnegut says “ So it goes”.
All these amazing illustrations are from wikihow.com