The Bay Area is a big place with a lot of cities, and every city in the Bay can be a little different.  But one thing that is synonymous with the Bay Area experience, is BART.  The Bay Area Rapid Transit, with its loud trains, lateness, general sketchiness and insanity is a rite of passage for anyone who  has lived in the 9 counties that hug the shoreline of San Francisco Bay.

But not every BART station is built the same. If someone gets on a train in Pittsburg, is the experience the same as someone who gets on the train in San Jose? The answer is a resounding ‘fuck no’, and that’s why I made this list. What your BART station says about YOU. 

SAN FRANCISCO Stations

EMBARCADERO

If Embarcadero station is where you get on the train, congratulations you probably live in San Francisco, which means you can afford to live in San Francisco. And if you can afford to live in San Francisco, fuck you. Or it means you can’t really afford to live in San Francisco and you have rent control, and if you have rent control… CONGRATULATIONS, YOU LIVE IN SAN FRANCISCO. Hold on for dear life. 

MONTGOMERY 

Okay, for one, no one fucking lives near Montgomery Street Station. Where do you fucking live? Wells Fargo HQ? Take your wannabe Wall St. ass back to New York or get a tech job so we can properly stereotype you.

Powell St. Station (Credit: DARIENTIMES)

POWELL 

There’s only 3 types of people who get on at Powell: Tourists, homeless people and techies who live in tall buildings that lack character. Two of these three should fuck right off and one of them needs to be housed asap, but probably won’t be because London Breed is too busy eating at the French Laundry or something. 

CIVIC CENTER

If Civic Center is your station, you’ve grown immune to the scent of urine to the point where you could probably swim in an ocean of piss and be fine with it. Or you work in San Francisco city Government, which means you’re ABSOLUTELY immune to the scent of urine to the point where you could DEFINITELY swim in an ocean of piss and be fine with it. 

Clarion Alley

16TH ST./24TH MISSION 

If you get on at 16th St., you’re either a really dope artist, an aging hipster with rent control (if so, like I said earlier, congratulations) a techie who takes selfies in front of murals (WOW, ANOTHER CLARION ALLEY SELFIE, YOU DON’T SAY BRADLEY) or a member of the quickly diminishing Latinx community that made the Mission the thriving cultural hub that it once was. So you’re either everything right with San Francisco or everything wrong. 24th St. is basically a less gentrified version of 16th St. You also probably have a favorite taqueria and you scoff at anyone who dares to have a different opinion. Because, you know, you’re the only one who has ever ate a fucking taco before or something. 

GLEN PARK 

This is the Rockridge BART of San Francisco, you think it’s going to be fucking crazy because it’s San Francisco, but it’s really not. Nothing really happens. You’re basically in a quiet little suburb surrounded by the City while still being in the City. So you get the best of both worlds. If this is your BART station, you probably own your home, drink cappuccinos slowly in front of a boutique cafe and muse over brunch while fog moistens your leg hairs because you wear your shorts above your knees. Congrats, but also fuck you, you well-adjusted boomer. If you’re under 18, you’re probably taking piano lessons or some other wholesome shit before you go to Stanford and discover cocaine. 

Allow me to introduce you to Glen Park BART station pic.twitter.com/eXFQC7X3eg

— Andrew Bader (@Andrew_B_Bader) May 22, 2020

BALBOA PARK

HOLY WORKING CLASS NEIGHBORHOOD, BATMAN! If Balboa Park BART is your station you’re probably ACTUALLY from San Francisco. Not like “I’ve lived in the city for 10 years so I tell people I’m from San Francisco.” No, you’re actually from San Francisco. You were born in the City, raised in the City. You went to school in the city. Public Schools. You know the local rappers. You fuck with Andre Nickatina, Roach Gigz and RBL POSSE. You don’t want no bammer weed because you know you don’t smoke that shit in the SFC. 

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