5 Famous People Who Need to Disappear, Now

Nothing to me is grosser than TMZ, US Weekly or InTouch.  Not because I care about the privacy of supposed celebrities, but because every time you buy a copy of a tabloid or tune in to some TV show about celebrity gossip, you are feeding the beast.  Do we really need these assholes to be more entitled, sanctimonious or insufferable?  I don’t think we can really expect celebrities to act like decent, respectful human beings if we’re following them around with a camera watching them clean up after their dog.   However, much like the kid in Neverending Story,we need to realize that the power has been in our hands the whole time.  We may not be able to rescue Atreyu from that awful, awful quicksand, but by refusing to pay any attention to Angelina’s adoption hobby, we may never have to hear about it again. While there are some celebrities who are actually talented and interesting, the vast majority are not.It’s time to trim the fat, methinks, and lets begin with these 5.

Sarah Palin

The fact that a woman who did everything shy of a false rape accusation to set feminism back a billion years is still taken somewhat seriously on the world stage is nothing short of despicable.  Someone, please explain to me why anyone likes her.  Is it the Republican anti-intellectualism that makes you  wary of trusting anyone who may possibly be smarter than you, have a decent education or have read a book in the past 8 years that didn’t have a subtitle?  Don’t watch her on TV, don’t blog about her (after I’m done , anyway) don’t talk about her being ‘controversial’.  She’s not “controversial”; she’s ignorant.  Being ill-informed, reactionary and vacuous does not count as a political ideology.

Anyone from the Bachelor

See you on Dancing with the Stars, guys.

I was positively gobsmacked to sign on to Facebook the other night and see that people that I knew had updated their status to represent their feelings on the finale of The Bachelor. And I’m not talking ironically, no. They were Dead. Fucking. Serious.  Someone even wrote that she had cried from the Aftershow Special (because apparently we’ve become so postmodern that it’s okay to reflect with nostalgia on events that entered the cultural consciousness just prior to the last commercial break.) Seriously, guys? You’re paying attention to this shit? A show where a guy elected to marry a stranger named after a snooty European city?  This is why the Japanese are beating us.

John Mayer

What else is there to say?

Hey, Ladies of the World: Stop. Fucking. John. Mayer.  I get it: he’s famous, he’s rich, he’s down with the oyster shuckers at Blue Ribbon, it’s all so much fun.  But he also goes around running his mouth and saying shit like this. So instead of letting him revel in what a rapacious poon-hound rascal he is, stop having sex with him. Stop convincing him that he’s some kind of latter day Dylan-Kerouac-Hefner hybrid. John Mayer is like some kind of particularly noxious Venus Flytrap that feeds on female attention and publicity.  The more you give him, the stronger he grows until he wreaks havoc on your dental practice and destroys everything you hold dear. Or something. I dunno I didn’t watch that shit all the way through. But if you refrain from giving him handjobs, blow jobs, jobs of any kind, or asking him to give you an interview he will inevitably curl up in a ball and die. And that’s really what we all need.  Stop giving it to him and he’ll disappear. Seriously, stop.

Twilight Love

Why are you looking at ME, Robert?

Oh, guys, nobody gives a shit anymore.

Keira Knightley

This is how English people frown. And smile. And pout.

I know she’s not like, super annoying or in our faces all the time but guys, why is she famous??? Why does she get magazine covers and sit front row at fashion shows and get free shit sent to her and whatever?  All she does is do the same exact movie about being a royal in the British court or some Jane Austen thing and, oh the sorrow and the tragedy of not being able to rub her genitals on the genitals of a person from a different social class or whatever. White people, ugh.