Broke-Ass Graduation Guide

Updated: Sep 19, 2012 13:00
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What the fuck are you gonna do with your life now?

Happy Graduation! Now what the hell are you going to do with your life?

A few of my degenerate friends just graduated college. Here’s some advice as to how to survive in the “real world” after completing whatever useless major you studied:

1) Sling some more eggs

So, you’ve been waitressing your way through school. Piece of advice #1, don’t quit your job yet. Keep on slingin’ those eggs and pouring those shots. The job market is shit, do you really think you are gonna find something better?

2) Make like a lamb and baaaa-il

Get the fuck out of Dodge. Grab your backpack and go to South America for a few months. The money you got as gifts for your graduation will pull you through. Staying in $2 a night hostels, drinking $1 beers and $2 grams of cocaine won’t be a problem for you in Colombia.

3) Survival Kit

Buy a shot gun, water purification tablets, waterproof matches and a metric shit-ton of amo and head for the hills. Pitch your tent in the middle of the forrest Take Chris Campbell’s advice…”Good guy, Bad guy, I’m the guy with the gun…” Don’t forget 100 cans of tuna and your laptop.

4) Go back to school

This is the route I took for a long time. Keep studying as long as you can. Turn that Bachelor’s Degree into a Master’s Degree to a PhD and so on. There are plenty of online masters degree programs all over the internet. Make sure to keep studying useless things, preferably in the Humanities Department. Listen to my friend Lisa, “If you’re planning on being a nurse in California – it’s fuedal….just concentrate on becoming a doctor.”

5) Move back in with your parents

Be like a 30-year-old Spaniard and move back in with Mom and Dad. Since you’ve been living off Top Ramen for the last four years, you may gain a few pounds scarfing down Mom’s homemade meals. Don’t worry, your friends will still come over and hang out because they always thought your mom was hot – and I heard your Dad always has a 30-pack of C- (Coors Light) in the fridge…

6) Get Lucky

And if you are one of the lucky ones that actually do get a “real job” straight out of college…fuck off…

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Heidi Smith - The Ultimate Scavenger

Heidi Smith - The Ultimate Scavenger

Heidi works for a non-profit cultural exchange organization helping others experience life from a different perspective. She likes magnetizing the obscure and scavenging the city for fun, free things to do. She is a world traveler, a freelance writer and a spontaneous chef. She is also said to be part-mermaid.