Cheap Dates: Case of Mistaken Identity

People frequently mistake me for being gay. Certainly much more than they mistake me for being a comedian. But despite the fact that I studied theater in college while working at the Gap, living in the co-ops and sucking dick on the side for money, I am neither gay nor bisexual. I only began encountering this case of mistaken identity after I left the bubble of liberalism and pubic hair that is UC Berkeley, for the bastion of conservatism known as San Francisco.

As the frequency of misperception about my sexuality increased, so too did the jokes amongst my friends. One year, they were even nice enough to surprise me with a “Happy Coming Out” cake. Today jokes about my sexuality hardly bother me, but the ownership many women feel they have over it is one of the most insulting and counter-progressive mindsets I’ve encountered. Let’s dish. (Contemplating this as my new masculinity reinforcing catchphrase, thoughts?)

The sacred kinship between obnoxious gay men and obnoxious straight women is as old as the paring of mainstream successful sitcoms and unfunny. But do gay men actually get along better with women on the whole, if not in the hole? And what happens when that bond is falsely presumed?

I’m not a scientist, which is why numbers scare me and I make broad-sweeping statements based purely on anecdotal evidence. Like how Flaming Hot Cheetos can double as bug spray because one time my buddy Doug ate so many that he was able to clear his apartment of ants just by farting on them. Another thing I’ve noticed is that many women seem to have a sense of entitlement when it comes to friendship with gay men. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a woman say “Oh so and so is gay? Oh my god, we’ll get along great! I love gay people!” First off, by gay people, I think you mean gay men. And by gay men, you usually mean annoying gay men. And by love you mean you want to do annoying things together with them.

What could possibly possess someone to assume that they’re going to get along with an entire portion of the population based solely on their sexuality? If I said “I love straight women!” or “I can’t stand straight dudes!” or “I’m euthanizing my gay dog!” I would sound idiotic and offensive. At best the aforementioned sentiment is a commodification of an entire people’s sexuality. I’m reminded of my gay friend who frequently mentions that he finds the term “fag” to be far less offensive than the term “fag hag”. Females he encounters have (in their most boisterous voice possible) tried to relate to him via E! reality televsion shows and talks of mani-pedis. He’d much rather discuss neo-empiricism over whiskey and then go build a boat in his backyard.

Which brings me back to my encounters with the incredulous woman. When I ask you out on a date: assume I’m interested in you. Sexually. Not to go antiquing. And if I’m buying you a drink a bar, don’t flatter yourself so much to think that an actual gay man would buy you alcohol because he thought your figure was too svelte and intimidating. Yes, I tweeze my eyebrows. I don’t care care of there’s a kink in my wrist when I hold a glass of beer or a dick for that matter. I like talking to you and sharing our feelings and being an emotionally connected human being. But I’m not gay. And when you ask me if I’m gay, and I tell you that I’m not: believe me. The most insulting conversations I’ve ever had on this topic have followed after I’ve informed various women that I was straight. Usually they’d lean in – as to avoid earshot of those around – and say, “It’s okay. You can tell me. I would have absolutely no problem with you if you were gay.”

LADY ARE YOU F*CKING INSANE??? I grew up in the BAY AREA. I’ve lived in SAN FRANCISCO for over 5 years, surrounded by some of my best friends. Everything from my penis sucking days to my penis size are online. I have no problem whatsoever being an open book in both public and private forums. And you think after I’ve met you – MAYBE twice – that somehow you’re the person I’ve been looking for all these years, unable to confide in those around me? How egocentric and dumb are you that you think you possess some gay BFF proselytizing magical powers? Go get yourself a blog already and air your dating grievances there. Also, have you ever been f*cked by a gay guy, and if not, would you be interested?

Which reminds me, it seems like only a month ago that this column was supposed to be about dating on the cheap, but since I can’t read, we’ll never know.

FREE Porn pick of the week (NSFW): Riley Evans and Jessie Rogers get caught by Chanel
FREE Full Disclosure: Episode 27 w/ porn star Alia Janine, Matt Louv, Ben Kolina, Kinkstress Jess

Also, if you want to see me do some comedy, checkout my upcoming show with Chris Fairbanks from Comedy Central – tickets available here. And as always, follow me on Twitter!