Arts and CultureSatire/Humor/Comedy

All the Random Appliances in My Alley Must Come From Another Dimension

Updated: Mar 01, 2021 07:12
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I don’t see why anyone of sane and rational mind, living in San Francisco, would ever buy a new microwave. They literally keep showing up in the alleyway behind my apartment almost every week. My best guess is that the producer is transporting them there by way of some sort of inter-dimensional portal. I’ve noticed similar phenomena occurring in various other places around town as well. Often they appear at the base of a tree or leaned up against a fire hydrant though almost as quickly as they arrive, they’re gone. You’ve gotta be quick if you’re in the market for free kitchen appliances!

Microwaves aren’t the only thing to show up either. In my alley I’ve found furniture, fresh sneakers, and a 1970’s Pearl Export Series drum set. In conversation with neighbors I’ve gathered that they too have noticed this rip in spacetime, and together we’ve learned that it actually works in both directions. Interestingly enough, it would seem that anything that gets left out there disappears in at maximum a few days. I like to imagine that some benevolent imperceivable deity on the other end is pleased with the portable cassette player/recorder I donated to it just last week. I’m sure that it was well received because it disappeared almost immediately. The quickness with which a gift vanishes is a good indicator of the quality of the offering.

It is vitally important however that you remember not to leave anything you’d like to keep out there, because quite frankly anything deposited on the street is seen as a contribution, whether it is intended to be or not. Thankfully I’m pretty responsible about my bicycles but I have indeed absentmindedly lost a few skateboards that way and hope that by communicating this to you, you can learn from my mistakes. I’d like to think on the bright side however, that if the gods are pleased then the loss will be reciprocated with something of relatively similar value. Maybe not right away, but eventually a new and exciting item always seems to show up. I have no proof of my hypothesis though, so if I’m wrong, at least you can look forward to more microwaves.

But where does it all come from and where does it all go? I’ve seen caches of appliances on the streets of other cities as well, and even in the occasional cleft in the shoulder of the highway. There must be some sort of network of wormholes throughout the universe connecting all of these locations, magically moving around mattresses and coffeemakers. It begs the question: is there a singular omnipotent entity managing all of these trap doors, or is it the wild random chance of bouncing electromagnetism? You’ve heard my theories, now what do you think? Whatever the case may be one thing is certainly clear: If there is a god, they certainly have a strange penchant for microwaves.

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Taylor Martinez

Taylor Martinez

Taylor is a self-described gentleman punk. He is a musician, writer, bicycle enthusiast, and collector of finely crafted artisanal experiences.