Photo by Mario Amé via Unsplash

DEAR SHAMELESS

BY SHAMELESS HEATHER ATLES

Hi, I’m Shameless Heather Atles, an expert relationships, sex, and intimacy coach. With years of experience guiding individuals through the complexities of love, connection, and self-worth, my approach combines humor, practical wisdom, deep insights, and actionable steps to empower those navigating the twists and turns of modern romance. 

Ask me anything! hello@heatheratles.com

Dear Shameless,

I’m a 36 year old guy and I’ve been struggling with getting and staying hard with my girlfriend recently. It’s humiliating! I used to be able to easily maintain an erection and lately I just want to avoid sex because I don’t want to run the risk of it just being another disappointment. How do I get my mojo back?

~More Dwayne, Less The Rock, Johnson

Dear More Dwayne,

Here’s the hard truth (pun intended)–most men, at some point in their lives, struggle with unreliable erections. Now that your Johnson has disappointed you a few times, you’re thinking too much with your big head instead of letting the blood rush to your little head.

But first, let’s rule out any medical reasons that might have you pushing rope. Physical issues like high blood pressure, heart disease, high cholesterol, diabetes, obesity, and smoking can all cause stifficulty. Consider a visit to your doctor as a safety precaution. While you’re there, you can likely snag a prescription for dick drugs. They are passing them out like candy these days and not only is your co-pay cheaper than ordering online, who knows what you’re getting if you buy from that sketchy Canadian “pharmacy.”  But if you’re set against asking for medical help, here’s a quick and dirty way to determine if you’re dealing with a physiological or psychological issue: are you able to get it up when you masturbate? If so, your limber timber is more likely due to performance anxiety than a legit medical issue.

I’m only suggesting viagra or cialis as a jump start to getting your mojo back. It doesn’t actually address the underlying bigger issue of your confidence, and it requires a little advanced planning, given that it takes 30-40 minutes to kick in. 

Once you’ve determined that you’re limping due to anxiety rather than medical issues, you need to focus on your emotional health and create an atmosphere where your peter wants to come to the party. There are at least four levers to push here–lower your stress level, get to know your body’s responses, increase your confidence, and take the pressure off PIV as the focus of your sexy time. 

Stress, The Silent Killer

Let’s start with stress. We don’t just spiral out in our heads, we hold tension in our bodies, and when you tighten up, blood flows get constricted. So, to lower your anxiety, get out of your head and into your body with exercise, mindfulness, meditation, and good self-care practices. Eat right and get sleep, you know, the basics. Taking care of your body is a form of self-respect that can boost your performance in and out of the bedroom. Exercise is particularly effective because it gets your circulation going, releases all kinds of feel good hormones, and increases your stamina for your canoodling calisthenics.

Photo by Anastasiya Badun on Unsplash

Take the Guided Self Tour

When you’re caught up in wangxiety and freaking out about getting hard, you’re likely not paying attention at all to what does feel good in your body. I’m talking about your whole body, not just your penis. I invite you to map your pleasure on every inch of your anatomy. The next time you go Lone Rangering, take your time and seduce yourself. Seriously! When you’re flying solo, make it a first class experience. Don’t just go for the jugular, spend some time titillating yourself with different types of touches on your neck, chest, nipples, ass, etc. Suck your own finger and see if that gets any response out of you. The point of this is not just to get your flag at full mast, but to tune into what gets you tingling and feeling aroused all over.

Self-Assuredness is Sexy

Your self-esteem has taken a hit from your hard-on hiding. Time to rebuild your confidence. A great way to start is by spending some time on an area of your life where you experience an embodied sense of competence and power. Engage in an activity, whether work or a hobby, that gets you feelin’ yourself. Are you a chess wiz or an extreme skier? Can you solve sudoku in record time? Are you a powerhouse on the tennis court? Doesn’t matter what the venture is, what matters is getting a sense of fortitude. Where do you feel like you’re at the top of your game? Get a win under your belt and watch how that swagger translates into the bedroom.

Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

Broaden Your Horizontal Horizons

When it comes to sexy time, take the burden off your boner and drop into your sensuality. As you know all too well, pressure to perform is a serious cock killer. It’s essential to remember that intimacy isn’t just solely about intercourse. When you’re engaging with your girlfriend, slow down! Focus on what turns you on about her. Relish in the foreplay. Tease her with slow, feather-light caresses and watch her squirm with arousal. Build the tension in other parts of your body (refer to your results from your solo session.) Chances are, she will really enjoy the change of pace and your attention on her body, and you will enjoy the response you’re getting from her. 

Lastly, my dear Dwayne, consider that communication is your greatest ally. Sharing your concerns, desires, and fantasies with your partner can not only alleviate some of the pressure you’re feeling but also bring you closer together. Being vulnerable and open can be incredibly sexy and can strengthen your connection.

Approach this phase of your life as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your partner, to explore new dimensions of your sexuality, and to deepen your emotional connection. Remember, overcoming this challenge is not just about getting your mojo back but about transforming your intimate experiences into something even more fulfilling and satisfying.

Don’t let the fear of disappointment keep you from experiencing the joy and pleasure that intimacy can bring. Face this together with your partner, with patience, understanding, and a sense of adventure. Here’s to finding your way back to confidence, connection, and, yes, Rockin’ good sex.

Love,

Shameless