Photo by Mélodie Descoubes on Unsplash

DEAR SHAMELESS

BY SHAMELESS HEATHER ATLES

Hi, I’m Shameless Heather Atles, an expert relationships, sex, and intimacy coach. With years of experience guiding individuals through the complexities of love, connection, and self-worth, my approach combines humor, practical wisdom, deep insights, and actionable steps to empower those navigating the twists and turns of modern romance. 

Ask me anything! hello@heatheratles.com

Dear Shameless,

I am introverted, ace [asexual], neurodivergent, wholesome and very happy being alone. My problem is the sexual harassment & unwanted attention (trying to insert themselves into my life) I constantly get from predatory men (and trans women).  I’m physically small but have no problem clapping back at disrespectful behavior.  I stand up straight, walk with purpose, have excellent RBF yet I always seem to attract predatory people wherever I go. It’s really strange & I can’t figure out what vibes I give off to invite this.  All I want is to be left alone, so these interactions just make me crawl deeper into solitude.  

What can I do to discourage the inappropriate behavior besides making eye contact (yuck) or getting loud & salty on a daily basis?  I’d love to be more friendly & open but literally am not able to.

Thanks! 

– Robot in Sheep’s Clothing

Image by Heather Atles using AI since there is no Creative Commons photo of a Robot in Sheep’s Clothing and this is too cute.

Dear Robot in Sheep’s Clothing,

Navigating city life as an introverted, ace, neurodivergent, wholesome robot sounds like trying to catnap at a sound camp at Burning Man. All you want is a quiet corner to recharge your batteries, yet you’re dealing with a pack of predatory wolves eyeing you like a sweet little sheep in the meadow. That’s a tough circuit to operate. Let’s transform your protective programming without compromising your cozy solitude.

Photo by Philipp Pilz on Unsplash

Understanding Predatory Behavior

First, let’s debug the system. Predatory individuals often lock onto what they perceive as vulnerabilities. This isn’t about you sending out “come hither” vibes—it’s their faulty radar zeroing in on anyone who stands out. They see you as a rare gem among common pebbles—they can’t resist trying to pick you up.

Setting Boundaries with Assertiveness

While it sucks that you have to clap back sometimes, it’s really important to do so. You don’t owe anyone friendliness or eye contact if you’re not feeling it. For some neurodivergent folks, the straight-shooter approach works best. Dropping a brief, simple verbal anvil like, “Not interested,” or “Fuck off” might be your most efficient line of defense. Think of it as hitting them with a laser rejection ray – short, sharp, and not up for debate. If you want to make a bigger impression, you could try, “I’m only going to say this once – this is harassment. You are making me uncomfortable and you need to stop immediately.” 

Body Language Reinforcement: Your Resting Bitch Face and purposeful stride are excellent, but let’s upgrade your exterior defenses. Rock some noise-canceling headphones, busy yourself with something in your hands or bag,  or wear a hoodie that reads “Do Not Disturb” — clear, direct, and no need for small talk.

Seeking Feedback from Trusted Friends

Sometimes, we need a systems check from our trusted friends. Ask them if you’re unknowingly emitting signals that attract unwanted attention. It’s like having your pals run a diagnostic on your vibe settings. Friends can help you spot anything you might have missed and recalibrate if you’re unintentionally inviting the wrong kind of attention.

Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash

Creating a Safe Environment

Since solo flying suits you best, as often as possible, choose environments where you feel in control and safe. 

Frequent Familiar Places: Predators often target those who seem isolated. By becoming a regular at certain spots,  staff or other regulars can become informal allies who help watch out for you. It’s like having a personal firewall protecting you.

Use Technology: I used to have a neighbor who regularly gave me unwanted attention. When I was close to home, I would set a 5 minute alarm on my phone that sounded like a ringtone. That way, if he was outside when I arrived and he tried to talk to me, I could say, “I have to take this call,” and just keep walking. For an added measure of protection, safety apps that let friends monitor your location or personal safety alarms (like Noonlight) can add an extra layer of security. Think of it as your personal force field, always ready to activate.

Reflect and Adjust

Take time to analyze the situations where you encounter the most unwanted attention. Are there specific places or times when this happens more frequently? Adjusting your routines slightly could help reduce these interactions without requiring drastic changes to your lifestyle. It’s like tweaking your software settings—small adjustments can make a big difference.

Navigating the world as an introverted, ace, and neurodivergent individual is a delicate dance of clear communication, self-awareness, and external support. It’s about expressing yourself and your boundaries in ways that are both true to you and unmistakable to others. Setting boundaries isn’t just about deterring bad behavior; it’s about respecting and protecting your own peace and well-being.

Stay fierce, fabulous, and fully charged, dear Robot. May your days be filled with respectful interactions and the sweet serenity of the company of those you like around you, and solitude when you want it.

Love,

Shameless

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