How to Stay Warm During This Incredibly Cold Winter

I hear there's some sweet bed-bug-free studios available here.

Because we are ramping up to the end of the world and all, it’s cold. Yeah, it’s winter. But it’s cold everywhere. NY, SF, even LA. (That covers everywhere, right?). It’s something we can all agree on. Sure, those in states with snow apparently up to their eyebrows will claim it is colder there. True, I give you that, but our bitching about it is universal.

Currently, I’m hiding under an electric blanket that I might never get out from under. I highly recommend getting as many as you can get your hands on and crafting an electric blanket outfit. All you have to do is make sure that you are always near a power source and/or invest in a long extension cord and stay away from water.

Other suggestions include (short of the ones that you’ve already thought of, like heat, a winter coat, moving to the sun):

Watching the Yule log burn on the TV. It’s not just for holidays. I realize it technically provides no heat. But mind over matter, right? I believe everything else I see on the telly, so why not go with the illusion of heat?

This is what warm looks like.

Get some rocks, put them in the oven, and keep in your pockets. Toasty hands, and as a bonus, if you slap some googly eyes on them, new friends to complain about the cold with!

Procure a shit-ton (an actual unit of measurement) of tea light candles (or any candles really). Put them in a big bowl and light them. Viola, instant fireplace! (Thanks, Flynn!)

Wear every single article of clothing you have. This will also come in handy when challenged to a game of Strip Scrabble and less handy when running from the law, so keep that in mind when choosing the day’s activities.

Surreptitiously shave a patch out of the dogs at the dog park. Be sure to find the shaggiest ones possible and take no more than a patch from each, lest the owner discover you. Weave your own dog-hair suit. Warning: this might result in your significant other walking out on you, but hey, if your dog suit keeps you warmer than him/her, what do you care?

Watch videos like the one below constantly. If reading recipe books works to make you not hungry, this has gotta work too. Eh, maybe that’s just me. I’m going to keep this on repeat anyway. (Thanks, Travis!)

Photo from Hot English Magazine and Time Warner Cable.

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About the author

Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica was born, moved around a lot and has an odd dialect to prove it (see: hella, bubbler, and cawfee), and is now precariously settled in SF. Despite graduating high school too many years ago to count, she was crowned Prom Queen this summer and considers her life complete now. Last year her production editing job was outsourced to the Philippines. Hope they like it. Luckily for you, this Lady of Leisure is currently accepting applications for the position of Wealthy Benefactor.
  • http://www.poormojo.org/love Jessica Longo – Two-Bit Reporter

    Hahaha. I’m going to make a craigslist post offering Exclusive Snuggie Removal Service. I’m gonna be warm …. and rich! Genius, Jeffrey!

  • Jeffrey C. Anthony

    We call it global cooling.

    I HATE snuggies, but so does everyone else I know, and many of them have gotten them as a gift and dont want them. Free blanket, have them pay you to take them off of their hands even.

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  • http://mousepaw.wordpress.com Mousepaw

    Thanks for that. It’s going to help.