Quiz: What Kind of Broke-Ass are You?


Does where you shop define who you are?

We know you’re broke. And that’s cool. But just what kind of broke-ass are you? Pick the description below that best fits your lifestyle!

Dumpster Diving Debbie

You’ll eat anything you can get your hands on – literally. You spend your Friday nights hanging outside of supermarkets, waiting to see if you can salvage that old produce they throw out at the end of the week. You lurk at bakeries at closing time, trying to score a baguette or some stale pastries to get you through the week. You have even befriended the dishwashers at your favorite restaurants, to get hooked up with other people’s scraps.  They no longer call it a ‘doggy bag,’ it’s the ‘Debbie bag.’ You’re not afraid to get dirty; in fact, you just are. I don’t even want to know what your house smells like. I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it. Wait, was that you in that Portlandia episode?

Safeway Steve

You don’t give a shit about how your consumption patterns affect the greater picture. You never get a shopping cart at your neighborhood Safeway, since you never have enough money to buy more than a few things at time.  Actually, you don’t even need a basket – except for when you buy those 10 for $10 yogurts and ramen they have on sale. You have a lot of points on your Safeway card, since you only buy things on special. Brand names make you cringe – you support Safeway 100 percent. You probably haven’t eaten a vegetable in 10 years, you just go straight for the starch and sodium and preservatives.

Vegan Vera

You are a true San Franciscan. Your favorite saying is, “Don’t panic, it’s organic.” You’re a big fan of Peter Singer and you hang out at Rainbow Grocery. But how do you really afford all those expensive greens and grains? Maybe that’s because you’re dating the cute checker with dreads, just because he gives you a discount on bulk produce. When he’s working, you’re at the Farmers Market flirting with a vendor who hooks you up with deals. You’ve got it all planned out. I’ve even seen you foraging miners lettuce in Golden Gate Park.

Trader Joe

You think you’re alternative, but you’re totally not. You shop in a pre-packaged, single serving wonderland, where everything only costs $2, but somehow you always end up spending a fortune when you check out. That’s probably because you shop when you’re stoned and everything sounds good. You live off of frozen chicken taquitos, pre-made pizzas and Two-Buck-Chuck. You think Trader Joe’s is healthy, but it’s actually just a more creative version of Safeway. Vegan Vera shuns you.

Party Hardy

Bascially, you’re gonna die – real soon. Your skinny jeans are too big. People think you’re a hipster, but you’re really just a broke-joke. You stave off your hunger by smoking two packs a day, and your daily calorie intake amounts to two forties of the cheapest malt liquor on the market. You spend whatever money you’ve got on Pall Malls and King Cobra. On special occasions you’ll splurge on a Four Loko. The only solid food you’ve eaten in the past six months was a 7-11 hot dog and a couple of Hot Pockets.

Photo courtesy of www.blissfullydomestic.com

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About the author

Heidi Smith - The Ultimate Scavenger

Originally from San Diego, Heidi migrated north to study journalism at SFSU and interned for the SF Bay Guardian writing music stuff. She later embarked on a study-abroad program in both Denmark and Holland, and basically never came home. For six long years, she froze her ass off in Oslo, Norway, pretending to be a viking princess, trying to figure out how to survive in the most expensive city in the world. The other two years were spent frolicking on the beach in Spain - sipping on sangria in between being tossed around Europe working as a stressed-out journalist. Heidi currently works at for a non-profit cultural exchange program, helping others experience life from a different perspective. She is thrilled to be back in SF, magnetizing the obscure, and scavenging the city for fun, free things to do.

3 Comments

  1. This is hilarious! It reminds me of a broke-ass version of something you’d read in Cosmo…er, not that I read Cosmo. I swear.

  2. Mia Di Pasquale says:

    Oh god. I’m a Trader Jo(sephin)e. And I don’t care if Vegan Vera turns her nose up at me, because her boyfriend probably smells.

  3. Heidi Smith says:

    thanks guys. At one time or another, I have fallen into all categories – but it sure was fun to make fun of all these different genres!

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