Arts and Culture

The Joey Test

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At a Labor Day weekend BBQ, after the ribs, hot dogs, pasta salad and  chips and salsa were safely tucked away in our stomachs and everyone was sprawled on picnic blankets around a fire pit, it was posited that everything you needed to know about someone could be ascertained by finding out which of popular culture’s Joey’s you would prefer to be trapped in a stalled elevator with. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys alcohol-fueled  pop-cultural banter and reductive stereotypes, read on to find out who YOU are!

The choices are:

1. Joey from Full House, ably played by Canadian thespian and chipmunk-imitator Dave Coulier (allegedly the guy that Alanis went down on in the theater. )

2. Joey from Blossom, less ably played by everyone’s favorite mid-90s mullet owner, Joey Lawrence

3. Joey from Dawson’s Creek played by WB nobody-cum-Bride of Scientology, Katie Holmes

4. Joey from Friends played by debatably attractive Matt LeBlanc

and finally, in order to give the gender balance some parity,

5. Joey Lauren Adams, which is her real name and not a character’s name, but whose cartoony voice makes her a contender.

So make your choice and scroll down for your results!

If you picked:

Joey from Full House

You have lowered expectations as a result of a life of disappointment and dismay.  Things haven’t quite turned out as you had hoped in this life. When challenges arise  and you are faced with the choice between getting a grown up haircut, earning a living at a respectable job and facing life on your own terms OR moving in with a sexually ambiguous father of three and a Greek Elvis-obsessed wannabe  musician, you choose the latter and spend the best years of your life living in basement of a Steiner Street Victorian churning out jingles for dog food commercials and quietly rueing the day you were born.

If You Picked:

Joey from Blossom

You still haven’t given up the dream. The leather jacket is a little ripped around the elbows, and your patched denim jeans have caused more than one well meaning pedestrian to drop change in your coffee cup while you waited for the bus, but you’re still playing the Hot Dumb Guy with Good Hair card for all its worth.  Sure, high school girls back away from you and threaten to call the cops when you approach them which never used to happen, but working the door Wednesdays and Fridays at the Blue Alligator Bar & Grille keeps you knee-deep in dental hygienists and insurance claims adjusters. They love hearing about how you are so totally out of here and moving to L.A. as soon as you finish community service for those DUIs.

If you picked:

Joey from Dawson’s Creek

You’re the kind of semi-smart, semi-hot girl that older pretentious guys who miss their youth adore. In theory you are wonderful; thoughtful , deep, passionate; but in practice you are utterly infuriating , obnoxious and judgmental.  Your physical attractiveness is your ace in the hole, as your personality calls to mind a sopping wet blanket.  Few people live up to your standards and you harbor the absurd fantasy that the first person who’s genitals you manipulated should be the person that you end up with in the end.  You are sexually attracted to Aryan men with tremendous foreheads and are only capable of smiling/talking/emoting out of one side of your face.

If you Picked:

Joey from Friends

You are as insipid as your looks are generic.   Rest assured that when whatever situation you are in currently (job/home/relationship) wraps up and finishes, your coworkers/roomates/lovers will move on to other jobs, houses and relationships while you alone struggle to retain any degree of relevance.

Oh and you would do something like this, wouldn’t you?

Joey Lauren Adams

Two Words: Deep Dicking.

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BAS Writers is mostly a collection of articles written by people for the early days of this site. Back then nobody knew that snarky articles they were writing could come back and haunt them when job searching a decade later.