Broke-Ass Porn: The Heirloom Tomato
Once a week we present Broke-Ass Porn. It’s visually stimulating material for the financially impaired. If this shit doesn’t get you going, you’re not as broke as you thought:
So you’ve got a serious fetish for butts and a few dollar bills. But there’s no need to squander them at a filthy dimly-lit club in the red light district (no judgment, of course). You can satisfy that juicy craving right in broad daylight. All you gotta do is head over to the Farmer’s Market, find the heirloom tomato vendor, and voila- you’ve got yourself an evening of, well, I don’t know exactly what you’ll do, but try and make Sir Mix-a-Lot proud.
Other scenarios?
anatomical model to be replaced with heirloom tomato
1) You just got a gig as a sex-ed teacher and can’t afford to buy those professional-grade anatomical models. Support the local heirloom grower and you’ve got yourself a cheap (and delicious) anatomy lesson. The school may ask you not to return, but that classroom just got a priceless education.
image via whalengrind.blogspot.com
2) You landed an internship with a biologist studying the behavior of zoo primates. The goal of the experiment is to successfully breed two captive baboons. The hitch: a shy female and a male in need of visual stimulus, so you offer up your twisted idea: create a lure using a fittingly-shaped heirloom tomato you just purchased at the market. You probably shouldn’t expect a letter of recommendation, but it was worth a shot, right?
3) The county fair often has a 'œFruit Sculpture' competition. So, enter your erotic heirloom and aim for the blue ribbon. Of course, it’s mostly retired grannies crafting caterpillars out of apples and toothpicks, so expect to be persona non grata at future competitions.
Since these all end in job termination and/or a sullied reputation, I’d opt for the original. Buy the weird tomato that everyone else has been eyeing but been too embarrassed to buy, and do with it what your little heart desires!
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