Heathers the Musical: What Next?

Since movie studios these days continue to rehash and drag through the mud of unoriginality any beloved cult film or TV series, Broadway has followed suit in destroying my childhood memories, remake by remake.  When I heard that Heathers, my favorite pre-klepto Winona Ryder movie is hitting the stage come 2010,  it got me thinking what other possible cult movies and shows could lend themselves to a musical vehicle? Considering that a “Heathers” Fox TV series is also in the works, I much rather see a musical number with croquet mallets than Mischa Barton in a pleated skirt looking bored. So if my predictions are right, you can see these productions coming to an overpriced theater near you.

Twin Peaks

Dancing midgets, David Duchovny in drag, damsels in distress, it’s practically a stage production already. Think of the possibilities! You could have David Lynch do the music, 80’s lover Pat Field to do the costumes, and make Lara Flynn Boyle eat lots of KFC’s Double Down sandwiches so the audience won’t think she’s just a cardboard stage prop and you’re all set to go! I mean the dream sequences alone my god. How else is Billy Zane suppose to launch his comeback anyway?

Showgirls

With Jimmy Fallon prattling on about a Saved By the Bell Reunion,  the nation is still left deprived and empty with countless old copies of Showgirls on VHS gathering dust and lost dreams in closets across the globe. How has this film (I say the term loosely) not been turned into a musical yet?, or even a Vegas number?, not even in Reno! I swear If you’re seeing a Kyle MacLachlan pattern here, don’t worry I won’t be demanding a Dune production anytime soon. It’s about time Broadway embraces more girl on girl action and acrylic nails. It will be like Rent, minus that whole pesky AIDS theme.

The Shining

Evil Dead the Musical and Little Shop of Horrors paved the way for bloody musicals and showed America how to hum along to sadistic dentists and chainsaw-hybrid leading men. So why can’t ol’ Johnny get his moment in the spotlight as well? All work and no songs a musical does not make. There could be a chorus line involving axes and you can rhyme redrum with a lot of things. Plus audiences love twins. I don’t think Jack Nicholson could still manage the high kicks but Bruce Campbell might be available.

Strangers with Candy

Since we’ve already seen Stephen Colbert’s singing chops, and everyone knows that Amy Sedaris is the Cindy Sherman of comedy, I’d say this one’s in the bag. This delayed coming of age tale is filled with sex, drugs, and homoerotic art teachers, if that doesn’t scream Broadway I don’t know what does. And if this year’s Fame release is any indicator, audiences love down on their luck High Schooler’s, especially 46 year old ones.

Other honorable mentions include: Big Lebowski, Blade Runner and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.