I’ll Eat You Up, I Love You So: Pet Euthanasia in the Recession
Maurice Sendak’s words never rang so true.
As some of you loyal Broke-Ass readers may recall, I have two little wild things of my own. Petunia and Marrakech. My two fancy rats. (If you say the word 'œfancy' with a British accent, it comes off much funnier, and the impact of the word rat will decrease to almost mild.)
Well my lovely little Petunia '“ who is around 2 ½ or 3 years old '“ has developed a mammary tumor between her hind legs. This is a fairly common occurrence among female rats. Since rats generally live between 2-4 years, we decided not to send her to surgery, instead just pack the rest of her life full of love and dried pasta and cheese-its, knowing that once the tumor got large enough to affect the quality of her life, we’d put her to sleep in the most painless way possible.
I’ve always had a bit of a morbid sense of humor about the world. Growing up with a mother who reads obituaries over breakfast and is a 3-time cancer survivor, death '“ the absurdity and the inevitability of it '“ was something we discussed routinely. On vacations, you would often find us traipsing through old graveyards, reading the inscriptions, fantasizing about the possible life story '“ and life tragedies '“ of the deceased. Death wasn’t something sacred. It was something bound to happen.
Now that Petunia’s tumor has grown to the size of a large orange, and she is scooting around on it, I’ve had to look into the options for putting her down. Which brings us to the Broke-Ass part. Do any of you know how much it costs to put a pet to sleep? Most places I’ve called in NYC cost upward of $200! Unfortunately, this was something very difficult for me to justify. She’s a little rat, she cost $6 at Pet-Co, and as much as I love her, I have been aware from the get go that her life spans would be short and sweet.
I wish I could just eat her up, I love her so.
Not being too sentimental about death, a friendly chomp seemed like a pretty natural and humane way to go. Quick. Painless. Animal Planet style. Given that I don’t have razor sharp teeth and a strong enough jaw to ensure immediate expiration, I found myself looking for other options. So, in true form, last week at brunch with my ladies, we had a serious conversation on 'œhow to end Petunia’s life.'
There were a few important criteria:
– It must be an immediate death.
– It also must be as painless as possible.
– She shouldn’t be scared and freaking out leading up to it.
– Hopefully she’d be in a warm, familiar place.
(And then this one was for me)
– Minimal amounts of clean up.
Some possibilities we came up with were:
– Smashing her head in with a brick. (Too messy.)
– Throwing her off the Brooklyn Bridge. (Too scary for her.)
– Suffocating her in a plastic bag. (Also too scary for her. And I couldn’t watch.)
– Running her over with a car. (Don’t have a car. Can’t ensure we’ll actually hit her.)
– Putting her in the freezer. (Seemed like too slow of a way to go.)
– Breaking her neck. (Who would do it?)
– Shooting her. (I don’t own a gun. Risk missing.)
– Overdose her with some sort of prescription drugs. (Complicated to get the dosage right.)
The best options were ones I found online:
Small Animal Euthanasia at Home. It offers step-by-step instructions on how to send your pet off on a pain-free CO2 death. (Approved by the AVMA for use on small animals at home.)
And a message posted here by someone saying that they’ve used propofol (yes, the drug that was found in Michael Jackson’s system) to kill a sick little pet. (No information on how to get propofol, though. It’s dangerous stuff.)
You’re probably wondering by now if I am really serious? It’s one thing to talk about this type of thing, but an entirely different story to actually go ahead with it. So when I got home, and Petunia started licking my hand and cuddling in my arms, I realized that I was all talk. No way I could smash her little head in, and I probably couldn’t even build a 'œmini-gas chamber' for her kick the bucket in. Which prompted my friend Sabrina to email some Australian veterinary friend of hers, and this was her response:
If someone called my clinic and explained that situation I would beg them to just leave the rat at the front desk (in a box), and I would be obliged to euthanize the poor little creature humanely. No charge need be incurred with no consult. I presume the case to be the same in the US. Or tell your friend not to buy that next dress/concert ticket/dinner out and to give her little friend of how ever many years a humane death with a vet visit.
Ok. So I got the message. I’m being a cheap bastard. I love Petunia a lot, and it’s time just to suck it up and pay the price. (Or leave her at the front desk of a vet’s clinic.)
More research led me to find that many animal shelters will actually euthanize your pet for a very small fee. I also found a veterinary clinic in Brooklyn, Atlantic Animal Care, who was much cheaper than the others I had called. The total would come to $105. And yes, that isn’t cheap, but I won’t be walking around Lady Macbeth style for the next few years screaming, 'œOut (you) damn spot!' And at least I can make sure that I can be with Petunia as she goes. I’ve made an appointment for next Friday. But if any of you have suggestions that I haven’t learned about, I’d love to hear your opinions.
Bye Petunia, you furry shishkabob! You’ve been loved.
Some more information on Pet Euthanasia:
Animal Veterinary Medical Association
The Pet Center
Special-Needs Pets
Pet Loss Support Page
DIY Animal Euthanasia Not Recommended
DIY Pet Euthanasia: Do Not Try This At Home
Small Animal Euthanasia at Home
High Cost of Pet Euthanasia and Cremation
AVMA Guidelines on Euthanasia
“Where the Wild Things Are” image via Beatcrave
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