Things You Shouldn’t Say on A First Date

I’ve already written about what not to wear on a first date, what your dude’s & girl’s celebrity crushes say about them.  But what about things you should be well advised NOT to say? It can be a bit stressful to go on a first date and worry about the date itself not being entertaining enough.  Or maybe you don’t have a whole lot of dating experience, or are out of practice and aren’t sure how to maneuver yourself.  These things leave room for a lot of error, and unfortunately, first impressions can make or break an impression you leave on someone.  Consider the following a colorful assortment of faux pas (whatever the plural of that word is, I don’t know) I’ve experienced on my end.  Not that I haven’t, on numerous occasions, said or done, shall we say, “undesirable” things on first dates.  Who knows, I may have even worked some of THOSE embarrassing caviats in here:

1. Talking shit or just talking about your ex

This may be pretty obvious, but even when a date is going well, there can be a false sense of comfort…that may cause you to open up a little too much.  It just doesn’t look good for you no matter how you look at it– you either come off as an obsessive psycho who’s obviously not over their ex, or just a plain old obsessive psycho.  So even if it SEEMS like a good idea to relate whatever you’re talking about with something about your ex — be it good or bad — just don’t do it.  I’m sure the conversation will live without mention of them, and you’ll be all the better off for it.

2. Joking about being a serial killer in a really deadpan way

Look, you’re already taking the risk of dating a person that you probably don’t know that well, so honestly, it’s a HUGE leap of faith you’re asking someone to take if you then proceed to joke about being a serial killer in a really creepy, deadpan way.  I understand the humor of it in one sense, but, honestly, it’s not that funny to the point where you have to make it on a first date.  I mean, at this point it’s a cliche to BE an actual serial killer and make a joke about being a serial killer.  Also, it’s not a great idea to read an article about a serial killer right before you go out on a first date, because all you’ll be thinking is that you’re clearly going to wind up dismembered in a ditch somewhere, and it’s all just a matter of time.  Not that I did that or anything.

3. Telling a way too embarrassing story about yourself

Again, although maybe you think you have to fill in a conversation because the other person isn’t talking, don’t fall into the all-too-easy-to-fuck-up trap of self-deprication overkill to fill in for said lack of entertainment.  I seriously do this ALL THE TIME.  And it’s never turned out well.  Never.  And yet, this is almost always my nervous reaction to situations like these.  It’s pretty simple — you’re just going to look like a complete idiot with zero self-awareness or empathy.  The best thing to do is relax and try asking the other person some questions to turn the conversation on them instead of talking about that one time you injured your arm after drunkenly falling off a skateboard while wearing wedge heels.  No one will find that interesting or funny if they’re not your friend.

4. Get mad because the person won’t sleep with you, because you’re too drunk

First of all, don’t get drunk on a first date.  But most of all, if the person has the decency to be cognizant of this and decline sleeping with you because of said intoxication, the LAST thing you should do is get upset.  That’s essentially buying yourself a one way ticket to Crazy Town.  And yes, I DO mean the band.

5. Call the other person “stupid” unless they’re insulting you

Insulting other people’s tastes or ideas, or whatever, is itself stupid, unless the other person is being weird and hostile to you.  It’s probably just better, even if you find the person to be terribly boring, idiotic, etc, to be polite about it & just not call them ever again than to insult them to their face.  It’s not really fair, even if it’s true, to call someone out for being an idiot on a first date — again, unless they’ve been offensive or are crossing the line with you.  You’re not gonna like it, but politely smiling & nodding (or simply not jumping out the window) while someone declares their desire to see the Chipmunk Movie Sequel (or SQUEAKWEL!  AHHHH), is a little more of a sane option than overturning the table and having an Incredible Hulk moment in the middle of a restaurant (as awesome as that sounds).

6. Imply any sort of judgment one way or another on anything someone shares with you about their sexual past or present

Long story short: it’s a dick move and a huge turnoff.  Do you really wanna be that guy?  Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?