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No Sex In The Champagne Room: 6 Worst Places To Have Sex

Updated: Sep 29, 2014 14:06
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Having impromptu sex or sex in an unexpected location: what’s not to like?  It gets your adrenaline going and your oxytocin levels are flying every which way!  Well, guys, it’s all fun and games until someone gets cum in their eye.  IT BURNS!  Just kidding, blowjobs are for suckers.  LITERALLY!  I’ll be here all week, folks.

Anywho, what may seem like a good idea at the time may actually lead to one of the worst and/or most uncomfortable moments of your life.  And I, like some sort of sexy, Jesus-type, American eagle figure wearing a coonskin cap on the Oregon Trail of sex, have come up with the following list of horrible sex locations so you, the people, will not have to suffer at the hands of Old Lady Fate…or something:

1.  A waterbed

This classifies as a wild and crazy place, because honestly, who even has one of these relics anymore?  Classy late 20th century history buffs, obviously, THAT’S WHO!  So, yeah, contrary to popular belief, the waterbed actually does not enhance the lovemaking process.  Rather, it hinders it terribly, as you have zero control over the “waves” (“motion in the ocean”, if you will), and thus, one can’t really get a good bearing at any given point.  Not to mention the fact that once you’re done and actually sleeping on the damn thing, any little move the other person turns your sleeping experience into a veritable tidal wave of annoyance.  I think the only person who could’ve possibly concluded this waterbed thing is a good idea is the Sea Captain from the Simpsons.  But at least he admitted (in episode 8, season 5!) , after selling a boat to Homer that sunk about 2 seconds later, that “Yarr, I don’t know what I’m doin’.”

2.  A bar bathroom

Ok, I’ve actually never done this, but is seems GROSS.  AmIright??  I can barely actually GO to the bathroom at a bar, because half the time, it’s flooded, has tons of pee on the seat, has no toilet paper, and/or is crowded with cranky girls that really have to pee and/or coke it up.  Perhaps if you’re going for that whole Nancy Spungen lifestyle, you won’t mind, and in fact, may find these features all the MORE enticing.  But I’m one of those old timey wackos who likes to keep my vagina infection-free.  Also, in smaller bathrooms, you’re just asking to get a cramp in your upper leg.  If you must have sex in a bathroom, because you can’t resist that romantic lighting, as a safer alternative, I suggest having sex in a home bathroom of a person you dislike.  That way, you’re really sticking it to them, while sticking it to yourself in a way more fun way!

3.  A hottub and/or underwater

Yes, that is me. Thanks to one Michael Przybocki.

If you can calm yourself from the hilarity of this picture for one moment, you will realize that having sex in a hot tub COULD KILL YOU!  Well, not exactly, but, if you really think about it, hot tubs and/or pools are totally counterintuitive to having the sex.  First off, if you’re one of those brave souls who’s decided on a PUBLIC pool and/or jacuzzi for your vaginal intercourse hot spot, you, my friend, are having sex in the midst of THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE’S PEE and, possibly, traces of poop.  If the public pool is not your cup o’ tea (or should I say PEE?  Oh man, I kill me!), you’re looking at a one way ticket to Drysville, Population: Your Vagina.  Despite the fact that you couldn’t get any “wetter” by being submerged in water, it actually dries you out, thereby causing uncomfortable chafing to all parties involved.  However, I daresay I cannot vouch the same for a pasta-filled tub o’ love.

4.  A Twin Bed

Is there anything worse than a stupid twin bed?  This may seem like a fun way to “ride”, if you will.  However, you’ll quickly discover it’s just annoying and it will probably make you feel fat.  Not to mention the fact that if you both decide to actually sleep together there, no one is actually going to “sleep” in the traditional sense of the word.  I had to deal with a twin bed practically all my adolescent life, and I singlehandedly blame it for the reason that I resorted to having sex in places like…

5.  A Random Field

Sure, it seemed better than sneaking a boy into my twin-bedded room at the time, but lemme tell ya, this ain’t no Kevin Costner movie.  And I mean that in the worst possible way.  I mean, as isolated as it may seem, you really could get caught at any moment, plus the fact that you’re laying down on your own clothes as perhaps some sort of barbaric cavewo/man would.  And I guess even then, you’d have loincloths/fur type-outfits, which are probably way more comfortable to lie on.  So basically, what I’m saying is, don’t attempt to recapture the sex of your adolescent years, unless you’re planning on shooting, skinning and fashioning an outfit out of any of the available animals in the area.

6.  A Shower

This can actually be pretty damn hot if you get it right.  However, it can present similar problems linked to the underwater experience, AND if you have any significant height difference with the other party/ies, it can literally not physically work, unless one of the other parties is willing to hold you up for the entire duration.  That can get slippery and wear out stamina.  Not to mention that if you don’t have an adequately sized shower space, forget about it, you’ll have a constant water stream right in the ol’ peepers and a shampoo bottle up your ass in no time.  Unless that’s what you’re going for, in which case, carry on.

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Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.