What Kind of An Asshole Are YOU?
As with whoever wrote about 90 Types of Bitches, likewise, I say there are a comparable amount of types of assholes. I, however, am just going to share a a few with you here and now.
Now YOU can determine what kind of an asshole you are or know in real life! Johnson, Navin R., huh? Sounds like your typical bastard.
1) The asshole whose status updates on twitter or facebook make you want to slice your face off
I’m not talking about the standard mundane updates that go easily unnoticed. I’m talking about a very “special” blend of self-righteousness and self-pity in the vein of: “Just finished reading The Infinite Jest in one sitting! SO TIRED! Time to hit the hay so I can run my 7th annual ultra-triathalon in the AM!” Wow, everyone really feels SO SORRY for you, you FUCKING ASSHOLE. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to go back to drinking beer and watching Parks and Recreations like the apparent neanderthal that I am. This type of assholery is easily remedied, however, because you can just hide their feed (if they’re your coworker or otherwise your friend) or un-follow/de-friend them entirely.
2) The asshole who is a totally normal person one minute, but once there’s a party, they’ve for some reason turned into the human embodiment of Los Angeles
This is a totally true story, y’all. I was at the outside gate of my friend’s new apartment for his housewarming party, when a nice neighbor of his let me in the building. I would even go so far as to say that this neighbor was attractive, polite, and wearing completely normal human clothes, which was why I was pleased to hear that he’d be joining us later. Fast forward to around midnight. What happens next, you guys, is something that only the people at that particular party can attest that actually happened. So, the door swings open, and in walks something out of Beaver Boys. I could hardly believe that this was the same human being who was uh, completely normal just hours before. He was wearing SUNGLASSES, first off, a leather jacket over a white deep V-neck, approximately twelve gold medallions, and a nose full o’ cocaine. He kept walking in on people’s conversations and laugh-spitting in what I think he intended to be an ironic way, but because he was so fucking coked up, it just came off like he was mentally unbalanced. I believe he “accidentally” touched my boob no less than 5 times, shouted the word “faggots” really loudly (in the household of a gay couple– a fact which I continuously reminded him, though he insisted “no, dude, it’s totally cool”…uhhhh…), and in the end, somehow broke a table and a few vases. He apparently then left a rambling message on my friend’s voicemail about how glad he was that they had moved in to the building. I hope Dov Charney and Terry Richardson simultaneously smother him to death with their I-don’t-even-know-if-it’s-technically-ironic-anymore moustaches.
3) The asshole that blankly stares at you, after attempts of being friendly
Many of my friends have anxiety about meeting new people and being in new situations, but I happen to really enjoy it. For the most part, in New York, people are generally friendly and have at least average intelligence, so in my opinion, it’s always at least interesting to talk to someone new. Except with the assholes that refuse to even pretend to know how to exchange the most basic sentences with you. Fucking NO one likes small talk, and once again, the great thing about NYC is that you don’t really need to do that, almost ever– or at least I like to think that the answers to “what do you do for a living?” in New York are at least more interesting than at your run-of-the-mill whittling IHOP monkey social gatherings. God knows I’m pretty clear when I don’t want to talk to people that are bothersome/drugged/obnoxiously obsessed with their Poli-Sci degrees from Columbia, but to just flat out decide before I even say anything of significance that you can’t be bothered to even fake talk to me, so you just sit there and glare? Get the fuck out of my town, asshole.
4) The asshole that’s obnoxiously obsessed with his “very serious” degree, even (and especially) while three sheets to the wind
If you constantly have to bring up that you have a PhD in Serious Studies from Prestigious University, you’re probably a complete moron in every other conceivable way. I actually had this kind of asshole say to me that it was “weird” that I have a full-time job. Really? Having a full-time job along with, I dunno, the rest of America is unusual compared with having your entire lifestyle and pricey schooling completely funded for you? This is why people become anti-intellectuals and hate academia. Also, this is a particularly great speech to hear while the person is slurring and essentially, drooling at a loud bar. Someone take back this guy’s diploma, please, because I think there’s been a huge mistake.
5) The asshole who can’t decide if they hate crowded or empty bars
I can understand why it’s annoying to be in a crowded bar, but come on guys, you can’t then turn around and complain when a bar is too empty. Pick an annoyance and stick with it.
6) The asshole who complains about things in list form
Stop whining! You’re clearly just jealous of everyone, are unattractive, and no one likes you. THAT’S why you have so much to complain about, DUHHHH. What is with these people, amirite?
Got any other ones you’d like to see on this list? Leave ’em in the comments!
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