Take My Ex-Boyfriends, Please

I know it seems like a no-brainer to stop talking to/seeing/fucking your ex.  But, you know how it is….sometimes it just kinda takes a long time for you or them to fully let go.  And sometimes, it’s completely impossible to talk your friends out of something that they can’t help feeling for their ex.   But, if you’re on the fence, as, let’s face it, 9 times out of 10 you probably are, this one’s for YOU:

1) No One Wants to Watch You Alternately Fighting & Making Out

Seriously guys, you really don’t have to re-hash your relationship every single time you see each other.  No, really, you really don’t.  I realize there’s a grace period for this, but I’m fairly sure that it’s not like three years long.  Either get back together, or just STOP.  What’s that definition of insanity meaning that you repeat the same things over & over again in exactly the same way and expect different results?  Because I think I’ve been driven insane just by association.

It could happen...

2) There’s No Reason You Can’t Have Sex With Someone Else

I get that your ex is familiar and that you need to get laid.  But, think of it like this: it’s one of the most awesome times in which you can pretty much justify anything you do sexually.  Pretty much almost ANYONE is better than sleeping with your ex, if you think about it strategically.  Imagine the possibilities, y’all!  If these are the times to take risks (within reason) and make mistakes, consider this the golden age.

3) Feed Your Ego Healthy Foods

You can’t meet new people if you’re hanging out with your ex all the time.  Isn’t that horrifying Cask of Amontillado-type suffocation feeling the reason you got out in the first place?  I mean, does your ego really require that amount of stroking?  Feeding your ego is kind of like bad drugs– the more you stroke it with unhealthy things, the more it craves unhealthy things.  Get your ego some carrots and eat it with hummus, ya dummies!  I don’t even really know what that means, but the bottom line is– avoid people wearing hemp necklaces, ex or not.

4) You Gotta Think With YA MIND

If your ex has emotionally hurt you, you’re just going to have to accept the fact that no level of interaction with them will ever change how they’ve hurt you.  What they did to you can NEVER be rectified.  EVER.  Even if you “get them back” in any way.  The only way you’ll feel better about anything is time and distance AWAY, so that one day you can look back on it and either laugh or frown, and brush it off as just another life experience.

5) Stop Fixating on Dudes already

Why must your life be defined by your exes or current partners?  That’s stupid.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start L-I-V-I-N, as noted philosopher David Wooderson would say.  Do something that interests you and define yourself by the things YOU choose to do.  You can have plenty of healthy relationships with people that don’t involve dating them, and you might even advance your career in the process.  Nothing kills careers faster than sex drama.  Also, remember those female friends of yours that you so cavalierly tossed aside to hang out with Shmuck-o McBoyfriend?  You should probably be cultivating those friendships right about now.  They’ll be glad to see you’re back.