Unemployed Fantasies: or, Why You Don’t Actually Need a Job

Yeah, we know '“ unemployment sucks. It’s always sucked: Bereft of cash and inundated with spare time, the life of the unemployed can be said to resemble an almost Biblical purgatory.

But what if that’s not the case? What if, in an effort to maintain our sanity, we put a bit of spin on the notion of unemployment and say, 'œhey '“ this shit rocks'?

Admittedly, it’s not easy. First you have to see the bright side of the whole impoverished aspect of the unemployed lifestyle. This is tough. You can’t do much with little cash, and your opportunities tend to dwindle with decreasing funds. How will you eat? Where will you sleep? Most importantly '“ how will you drink?!

We say, forget those apprehensions. We live in a land of plenty. Free is everywhere. If money talks, it’s likely speaking Elfish, because no one seems to understand it. Embrace your lack of funds, food, and home.

And obligations. Topping the list of the unemployed’s perks is a total lack of labor-oriented duties. We’ve asked around, and no one likes waking up early, chocking down some caffeinated sludge, and forcing their ways into a train cars packed with moist armpits and musty breath. It’s not healthy, and you don’t have to take it.

Instead, float around. Take in the air, see the sights. Do you really want to spend over a hundred months of your life in someone’s cubicle? Beholden to no one, the world is your oyster. Your friends, your family, hell, even people you don’t know '“ they will all notice your freedom and flock to you. 'œThere must be something to that peaceful life,' they will say to their neighbors from the back of their hands. 'œWe must emulate.'

And they will. A legion of the unemployed will take to your heels, one greasy horde gazing onward with gleaming eyes. They will dive into the ocean and have all the sex and babies that society told them they should not. And they will be happy doing it.

Then you will take their jobs. As the populous runs amuck and unemployed, you will clean your body, wash your hair, sew your clothes, and enter the workforce renewed. And you will get a job '“ almost instantly, in fact, because while everyone is out reliving their childhoods, you got on Craigslist and emailed your ass off.

Most of this was fantasy, but that last part is true, and possible. All it takes is a little push. And tons of luck.

photo courtesy of flickr user bgottsab.