Lessons We Can Learn From 2010

Compiling this year in review has made me feel better about my own personal year in review, which recently ended with a complete stranger on the L train telling me that, based on an hour he spent talking with me at Union Pool once, he thinks I have an alcohol problem and hopes that I get help for this and have a safe and happy holiday.

This was really infuriating because moments earlier I had been quietly hating on him for having rolled-up pants (random hate, because sometimes I think rolled-up pants are fine!), so when he first tried to talk to me I had been super bitchy, and now here he was, with a clear advantage over the entire situation. At first I assumed he was mistaking me for someone else. Then he told me that since I had been so drunk, he had walked me home, and proceeded to DESCRIBE WHERE I LIVE. Ah! He then congratulated himself for being such a gentleman, because if he hadn’t been, it could have been a bad situation for me etc etc, which was very disturbing and confusing. So I thanked him?? I still don’t know what to make of this.

At any rate, I’ve decided that too much self-reflection about drinking habits is definitely something to put off until after New Year’s, since any resolution to “stop vomiting in cabs” is bound to be tested, and would only usher in 2011 with a failure to meet one’s goals and a lack of resolve.

In the meantime, there isn’t any harm in judging the rest of the world for its unfortunate decisions. So how did everyone else make it through 2010? Let’s take a look.

Chile and Haiti were in the shit

And probably still are! My god. Whenever I think my life is hard because my bagel place ran out of my favorite bagel, it is sobering to remember that some people are in the 56th day of being stuck down a mine, or homeless and at risk of contracting cholera thanks to the most devastating earthquake in 200 years.

The Conan debacle

Fuuuuuuccccckkkkk Jay Leno. He is banned from my TV. Which is not exactly a hardship, since he was never all that funny to begin with, but honestly I don’t think there is a reason for anyone to watch “The Tonight Show With Jay Leno” evah again.

Men are still huge pigs

Apparently, if you are a super model or a very charming and award-winning actress, and you marry an extremely ugly and/or creepy man, there is a very good chance he is going to cheat on you. Also, if you’re Charlie Sheen, there is a similarly strong chance that you are going to violently and drunkenly threaten whomever you are with, to the point that they call 911 from the bathroom crying.

The World Cup introduced us all to the vuvuzela

Love those infernal horns. Also, great World Cup! I am indebted to it for so many reasons!! May the German octopus that predicted every game rest in peace. Hopefully he wasn’t murdered.

Healthcare passed, everyone confirmed that C-SPAN is super dull and congressional decorum completely nonsensical

I like how one Congressperson would refer to another as “the gentleman from New Jersey,” and then proceed to exude nothing but disgust for said gentleman. Clearly they all WANT to refer to each other as “that asshat Republican sitting to my left,” and have no actual respect for one another, so I propose Congress drop all its ludicrous decorum and just let its members say what they mean, Jerry Springer-like. C-SPAN would probably have much higher ratings!

Homosexuals continued to further their radical plot to… serve in the military and get married

Two long overdue victories: the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, and the overturning of Proposition 8. Yayyyyy!!!

America retaliated to LGBT progress by collectively depressing the shit out of everyone via abject homophobia

Sigh. I really don’t know what the lesson to learn is here. That human nature sort of sucks?

WikiLeaks facilitated a great new skit at SNL, among other things

Thank god, because the Miley Cyrus bit isn’t working out so well. Also there is now hope for the future of investigative journalism.

Goodbye Four Loko

It’s been really hard to say goodbye. Cheers to everyone who managed to save some for tonight; may your blackout be sufficient enough to entirely blot out the memory of anything you are about to do.

Snowpocalypse on the East coast

We finally have snow!!! Yayyyyy! Except no one can play in it because after the plows go through it becomes dirty and disgusting and filled with salt, and serves only to ruin my new boots. Hmmmph.

All told, a pretty memorable 12 months. I am cautiously excited for 2011. Happy New Year everybody!!